Thursday, July 30, 2009

Thinking Of Something

A long time ago I met this wonderful person and still to this day this person is my best friend.
Along the way all the good times we had my friend told me I should be writing. With so much going on in my life I just put it a side and only thought about it every once in a while.
Now thinking about it I really don't think it was that I didn't have the time to sit down and write. I think maybe it wasn't time to write about it. Now six years later I sit at my computer and at first I just looked at the blank screen for hours. Then it happened.
The words started coming and my fingers couldn't keep up at first with all the things running through my brain. But now it has started.
Everything seems to be just pouring out.
The questions that may be asked. Is this a true story? Yes. Will it make you laugh? Yes. Will it make you cry? Yes. But to say it will be a happy ending I can't say. Because the story hasn't come to a end as of yet.
But as in life the story never comes to a end till it's time.
I have changed the names and some other things due to there is some of the people in the story. Because if they ever found out about these things a few would not only be hurt but there would be anger and there is no telling what this snowball could cause.
Why write it then? Because if this story could help some one going through the same thing then that is enough. If it could let someone else know that someone some where out there knows what it is like and they understand. Then I can say I do.
I know there are others that have been caught up in this very same thing. Some just don't last this long and for others it has gone on longer and is still going on.
Will it make some make a decision? Maybe I am not sure. But I do know that if I had read something like this four years ago when the question was asked of me I would have said yes. Which would have more than likely put things in to motion and now I maybe living with the one that I love and not just being the one that is just a best friend when he comes to town and has the time to visit.
So when I have the first chapter I will post for comments and as they are finished I will post new chapters.
I hope that when all is said and done the one that I have wrote about reads will understand and just maybe walking back through all of it will not only enjoy it for all the wonderful memories but will finally see what love is really about.
Oh yeah I haven't came up with a name for it yet that will come before it's over.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Something New

Well it's been a while since I have graced this place with my presents. I think a few people have laid there blogs a side for a while due to this new thing that has popped up. Facebook....

Oh yeah I am guilty of this also. Now I have many web pages that when I am not so busy or I am looking to just chat with someone I know or what ever I go to. I think we all do this.

Those who have or had the Myspace page which has been a rage for some years now has even given it up for this new page. Let's not forget Twitter too. Me I haven't yet got into this one as of yet. And I may not because frankly I don't have the time.

The difference I feel between these pages and the blogging ones is that there is no need to really think what you will put into the writings. And the pictures you will post. You just say something as if you were just talking to someone. And just post pictures like you would have in a picture album on your coffee table.

I think these pages are more for those who just want to read and talk back and forth with out just picking up a phone and calling the person or just simply e-mailing them. It can be just a simple statement or question.

I think people are getting so caught up in there day to day lives that they don't have the time to sit and think about what to write. It does take a bit of time.
Then there are those that just think that they can't write. And of course those that can't understand the writings of others. Because it takes to much time to either read between the lines or something.

My blog has never been one of great words of wisdom or advice in one manner or another. It's been filled with just feelings that I have felt due to life's play I guess would be the word that describes it best for me.

Basically it's just for me I guess to express my feelings and get them out of my head. And because I like to write.
And to communicate with one who is not able to call and talk.

Funny how life plays games with our brains. Things we think are so important to us is just mere writings that either make others laugh, cry, or sigh.

So to the next stage of things on this wide world of web. Have fun with it but remember that something else will pop up and take the place of these new wonders.

And to all those that keep blogging my hats off to you. You are a true breed.

I was told once by a friend of mine who I once tried to get to blog with me. She said that they reason she doesn't blog is that people get long winded and don't say what they mean by using short phrases and getting to the point.

Well if any one is like me it is hard to just write to the point. Because there are so many pictures in the brain and so many stories rambling there that it is hard to just put out something like I don't like chocolate chip cookies. I am the one person that has to go into depth and say just why I don't like them.

Does this make me a deep person. No I just have a way of describing things I see and feel. And sometime story telling time can be fun.

Just some more long winded thoughts of a brain that thinks way too much.....

If you are among all those that do the Facebook or Myspace or what ever if I have offended any of you. My deepest apologies.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Part 2 Memories


Just looking at me like cat got your tongue or something. The song still plays but only in my head. So the only thing to do now would be go to the fridge and get ice for my drink.

Opening the freezer to retrieve ice the cold air stings my face and I feel something warm running down my chilled face. I know what it is. All I can think of no not now. Don’t do this to me right now I just can’t deal with this.

I can’t deal with the questions or the I told you so thing that always seem to come from everyone’s mouth. So I wipe my face quickly and try to form some kind of control..

I seem to get some kind of composure and continue to fix my drink. Slowly I take the drink in and even though it’s sweet to my tongue it seems to burn as I swallow.
Downing the first I quickly make another and walk over to sit down.

She looks at me as though to say why are you doing this to yourself? I just look at her and the words just seem to form and roll so easy and calm. “Hey I’ll be fine it’s ok really. You don’t have to stay here I am more than likely going to just have a couple of drinks and take a long hot bath and go to bed. I am really tired and tomorrow is yet another day and if I need you I’ll call. I promise!”

She just shook her head and asked me to promise. I said yes but really in my mind I knew and I think she also knew I wouldn’t call. These are the demons and the ghost I must face alone. No one can take the pain away. The only thing will do is time. And right now it’s time to cry and hurt.

So she finished her drink and she hugged me tight and told me sometimes things happen and we don’t know why. Even though we ask why me there is just no answers to the questions we ask. You just deal with it and then one day the light comes on and you will realize that what was once there was beautiful and you just hold on to that for what it is.

Then she left. Which I was so glad for that. Quickly I grabbed my phone and I pulled up the answering part and redone my leave a message.
Sorry that I can’t come to the phone right at this moment due to things out of my control I am taking some down time for my self. Please leave a message and sometime within the next day or two I’ll return the call. Have a grate day.

So with that out of the way my nightmare of the night begins. Or at least that what I thought.

I ran my bath hot water with bubbles and as I was doing this I had a memory cross my mind. And it made me smile even though the tears ran down my face. I recalled the very first bubble bath with him. We were drinking wine and he brought this cigar out to teach me how to smoke it. You draw it in but don’t inhale. Just let it sit on our tongue so you taste the cigar.

Well let me start off by saying I am a smoker and you don’t hand a cigar to a smoker and tell them don’t inhale. Because you know what they will inhale bigger than shit….lol…

Well I did. And no I didn’t get sick but I will tell you I got a buzz from it quicker than from the wine. But sitting in a bubble bath with my back up against him smoking my very first cigar was wonderful.
Bubble baths are great when you are sharing them with that special person. And what was great was all those times he took hot bubble baths with me he did it because he wanted to make me happy. The secret he was holding that he didn’t tell for sometime after was he really didn’t like bubble baths. That was wonderful.

After that memory hit me it was like the flood gates open and they all started coming to me. The more I sat there in that tub with the candles going and the music playing the more the gates opened and the floods came.

Maybe the first special memory was the way we met. However he still says I had on a pair of white shorts….lol. The funny thing is I never wore shorts out when I went clubbing. So if you read this no it wasn’t shorts it was white pants. (Actually they were white roper pants to be exact.)

The next memory was the first time I cooked dinner for him. Now let me say I hadn’t cooked in a long time. I didn’t have to. But when we agreed to have dinner and I was going to cook I went home after work and started throwing things together. Believe me I threw some things together.
Sausage with hamburger around it then bacon rapped around that and cooked in the over. It became the famous heart attack on a plate meal…lol…

But he ate it and said it was good. After that the meals did get better. And the more I cooked the more my skills started coming back. Now if you were to ever asked him or some of his friends that have had dinner with us …lol…. They would tell you that I am a great cook. Yeah good memories and to say another thing about cooking I always made enough to feed an army. The guys always liked it when he brought left over’s to work they ate really good then.

But there were times when he wouldn’t share these meals at all. He would tell me that it was his and he wasn’t sharing them.
Holidays well our holidays were always full of lots of great dishes. But this one was in a way some what funny.
It was Thanksgiving I think. Anyway I decided to make a goose for dinner. Now I never had ever made one of those before so this was something new to me. The first one actually got cooked too much and I really mean crispy done. So it was off to the butcher in a hurry to get another one to cook.

So then at dinner I told him I made goose. I knew by the way he looked that he might not like goose. So he did taste it and then he said. “ I really don’t like it but I will eat it.” So I told him if you don’t like it you don’t have to eat it. He told me why don’t you just get a roasted chicken and well have it instead. So after he went to sleep I threw it away in the garbage outside.

So after he went to work I went to work and the more I thought about it my feelings did get hurt. So what ended up happening was I started drinking with a couple of my friends at noon and by 3pm I was drunk.
Not just drunk but really drunk and hurt and by the time I got back to our place I was crying and very sick.

After passing out for a few hours and waking up. I still was under the influence somewhat it was time to go to Wally World to find a roasted chicken. They were all sold out. I think I finally went to Publix and ended up getting chicken fingers or wings. Then back to our place and try to get some order and dinner ready.

Well when he got home he knew I was recovering from a drunk. Needless to say I finally laughed at that it was a learning experience you never go out and buy a bird or any other thing unless you ask if they like what it is your thinking of fixing.

All these memories flood my brain from my heart. But the most touching ones that are very precious to me are the ones that will always stay there and every now and then they will pop in and say remember me.

Like the way he always looked into my eyes. He always took my breath away with those beautiful eyes. It was as if he was looking deep into my soul. The way he touched my face with his hands. They way he ran his fingers threw my hair and told me how soft it was and how good it smelled to him.

The way his lips were so soft and gentle but so passionate when he kissed me. Like taking me from this world into a completely different realm.
The smell of his skin always was so wonderful. Not the cologne he wore just his scent. It would grab me up and just pull me into him and I never wanted him to pull away.
The beat of his heart. No matter if he was behind me with his arms wrapped around me or me behind him with my hands on his strong chest. I could always feel his heart beat all the way through me. My heart would feel in and it would always catch his heart beat and begin to beat in rhythm with his.
(True love?) Some would say yes.

I loved to hear him laugh. I mean really laugh from his soul. I would say something stupid or something that he would find cute and he would laugh. He would tell me that I made him laugh so hard his face would hurt.
I loved to hear him laugh it made my heart race to see him so happy.

By now the candle is burning low and the water is starting to get cold so it a choice to escape this wonderful dream world and head for another bottle because this one is gone. And some warm cloths. Maybe a pair of his boxers and the long sleeve shirt that is his. I think I still have some cologne left of his that I can put sparingly on the shirt to just maybe catch me up once again into the dreams of the sweet memories.
Even if it’s just for a while where I can feel close to him and safe again. Maybe I can close my eyes and feel him next to me. The warmth from him and hear his whispers.
“You know I love you. You will always be here with me forever.”
“Right here.”

Then the thoughts of this popped into my head.
What are the things I miss the most about him. Well that list is going to be quite long and I hope I can find the words to put with that one.
We will see........

To be continued….