Just looking at me like cat got your tongue or something. The song still plays but only in my head. So the only thing to do now would be go to the fridge and get ice for my drink.
Opening the freezer to retrieve ice the cold air stings my face and I feel something warm running down my chilled face. I know what it is. All I can think of no not now. Don’t do this to me right now I just can’t deal with this.
I can’t deal with the questions or the I told you so thing that always seem to come from everyone’s mouth. So I wipe my face quickly and try to form some kind of control..
I seem to get some kind of composure and continue to fix my drink. Slowly I take the drink in and even though it’s sweet to my tongue it seems to burn as I swallow.
Downing the first I quickly make another and walk over to sit down.
She looks at me as though to say why are you doing this to yourself? I just look at her and the words just seem to form and roll so easy and calm. “Hey I’ll be fine it’s ok really. You don’t have to stay here I am more than likely going to just have a couple of drinks and take a long hot bath and go to bed. I am really tired and tomorrow is yet another day and if I need you I’ll call. I promise!”
She just shook her head and asked me to promise. I said yes but really in my mind I knew and I think she also knew I wouldn’t call. These are the demons and the ghost I must face alone. No one can take the pain away. The only thing will do is time. And right now it’s time to cry and hurt.
So she finished her drink and she hugged me tight and told me sometimes things happen and we don’t know why. Even though we ask why me there is just no answers to the questions we ask. You just deal with it and then one day the light comes on and you will realize that what was once there was beautiful and you just hold on to that for what it is.
Then she left. Which I was so glad for that. Quickly I grabbed my phone and I pulled up the answering part and redone my leave a message.
Sorry that I can’t come to the phone right at this moment due to things out of my control I am taking some down time for my self. Please leave a message and sometime within the next day or two I’ll return the call. Have a grate day.
So with that out of the way my nightmare of the night begins. Or at least that what I thought.
I ran my bath hot water with bubbles and as I was doing this I had a memory cross my mind. And it made me smile even though the tears ran down my face. I recalled the very first bubble bath with him. We were drinking wine and he brought this cigar out to teach me how to smoke it. You draw it in but don’t inhale. Just let it sit on our tongue so you taste the cigar.
Well let me start off by saying I am a smoker and you don’t hand a cigar to a smoker and tell them don’t inhale. Because you know what they will inhale bigger than shit….lol…
Well I did. And no I didn’t get sick but I will tell you I got a buzz from it quicker than from the wine. But sitting in a bubble bath with my back up against him smoking my very first cigar was wonderful.
Bubble baths are great when you are sharing them with that special person. And what was great was all those times he took hot bubble baths with me he did it because he wanted to make me happy. The secret he was holding that he didn’t tell for sometime after was he really didn’t like bubble baths. That was wonderful.
After that memory hit me it was like the flood gates open and they all started coming to me. The more I sat there in that tub with the candles going and the music playing the more the gates opened and the floods came.
Maybe the first special memory was the way we met. However he still says I had on a pair of white shorts….lol. The funny thing is I never wore shorts out when I went clubbing. So if you read this no it wasn’t shorts it was white pants. (Actually they were white roper pants to be exact.)
The next memory was the first time I cooked dinner for him. Now let me say I hadn’t cooked in a long time. I didn’t have to. But when we agreed to have dinner and I was going to cook I went home after work and started throwing things together. Believe me I threw some things together.
Sausage with hamburger around it then bacon rapped around that and cooked in the over. It became the famous heart attack on a plate meal…lol…
But he ate it and said it was good. After that the meals did get better. And the more I cooked the more my skills started coming back. Now if you were to ever asked him or some of his friends that have had dinner with us …lol…. They would tell you that I am a great cook. Yeah good memories and to say another thing about cooking I always made enough to feed an army. The guys always liked it when he brought left over’s to work they ate really good then.
But there were times when he wouldn’t share these meals at all. He would tell me that it was his and he wasn’t sharing them.
Holidays well our holidays were always full of lots of great dishes. But this one was in a way some what funny.
It was Thanksgiving I think. Anyway I decided to make a goose for dinner. Now I never had ever made one of those before so this was something new to me. The first one actually got cooked too much and I really mean crispy done. So it was off to the butcher in a hurry to get another one to cook.
So then at dinner I told him I made goose. I knew by the way he looked that he might not like goose. So he did taste it and then he said. “ I really don’t like it but I will eat it.” So I told him if you don’t like it you don’t have to eat it. He told me why don’t you just get a roasted chicken and well have it instead. So after he went to sleep I threw it away in the garbage outside.
So after he went to work I went to work and the more I thought about it my feelings did get hurt. So what ended up happening was I started drinking with a couple of my friends at noon and by 3pm I was drunk.
Not just drunk but really drunk and hurt and by the time I got back to our place I was crying and very sick.
After passing out for a few hours and waking up. I still was under the influence somewhat it was time to go to Wally World to find a roasted chicken. They were all sold out. I think I finally went to Publix and ended up getting chicken fingers or wings. Then back to our place and try to get some order and dinner ready.
Well when he got home he knew I was recovering from a drunk. Needless to say I finally laughed at that it was a learning experience you never go out and buy a bird or any other thing unless you ask if they like what it is your thinking of fixing.
All these memories flood my brain from my heart. But the most touching ones that are very precious to me are the ones that will always stay there and every now and then they will pop in and say remember me.
Like the way he always looked into my eyes. He always took my breath away with those beautiful eyes. It was as if he was looking deep into my soul. The way he touched my face with his hands. They way he ran his fingers threw my hair and told me how soft it was and how good it smelled to him.
The way his lips were so soft and gentle but so passionate when he kissed me. Like taking me from this world into a completely different realm.
The smell of his skin always was so wonderful. Not the cologne he wore just his scent. It would grab me up and just pull me into him and I never wanted him to pull away.
The beat of his heart. No matter if he was behind me with his arms wrapped around me or me behind him with my hands on his strong chest. I could always feel his heart beat all the way through me. My heart would feel in and it would always catch his heart beat and begin to beat in rhythm with his.
(True love?) Some would say yes.
I loved to hear him laugh. I mean really laugh from his soul. I would say something stupid or something that he would find cute and he would laugh. He would tell me that I made him laugh so hard his face would hurt.
I loved to hear him laugh it made my heart race to see him so happy.
By now the candle is burning low and the water is starting to get cold so it a choice to escape this wonderful dream world and head for another bottle because this one is gone. And some warm cloths. Maybe a pair of his boxers and the long sleeve shirt that is his. I think I still have some cologne left of his that I can put sparingly on the shirt to just maybe catch me up once again into the dreams of the sweet memories.
Even if it’s just for a while where I can feel close to him and safe again. Maybe I can close my eyes and feel him next to me. The warmth from him and hear his whispers.
“You know I love you. You will always be here with me forever.”
Then the thoughts of this popped into my head.
What are the things I miss the most about him. Well that list is going to be quite long and I hope I can find the words to put with that one.
We will see........
To be continued….