Wednesday, August 13, 2008
YEAH I GIVE UP
I give up ok .....enough is just enough.....
Have you ever had one of those dreams where the faster you run the closer what ever is chasing you gets?
Have you ever felt like your sitting in a dark room and you can't see it but you know there is something watching you?
Have you ever been afraid to take a deep breath because you think it might get stuck inside and it would be the last?
Have you ever really felt like you were born at the wrong time and who ever and what ever decided to put you here on this earth put you here as a joke?
Have you ever been so tired of everything going wrong no matter what you do that your just ready to throw your hands up and say "That's it I just can't take it any more I give up?"
All my life I have been the so called fixer....
I guess what I should say is that ever since I was a child I can remember her asking me "What do you think we should do?"
My mother use to do that when I was a child. She married a this man when I was maybe 4yrs old. Things should have been wonderful in our house like everyone else. But our house was never normal or fine or anything like the so called perfect home everyone grew up in at that time.
I had two older sister's that their father died when they were very young and I mean my oldest sister was maybe 11 or 12 yrs of age.
My mother was I will admit it a very selfish female always looking for some man to take care of her. My father well let's say it like this he was a phantom. If I didn't know where kids came from I would have swore that I was found under a rock or something....LOL...
I never knew him and as of this day I still don't. So as far as a father figure goes I really don't know what one is really like.
When my mother's so called second husband came along she was well taken by him. That I'll never understand.
He so called sweep her off her feet in her eyes but what was really happening was what little bit of life I had as a child was just about to go to hell.
The signs weren't there visible as of yet but they were there looking back now at it. He drank and had his moods. But the moods didn't get worse until after the second child she gave him arrived.
When Roseanne was born I remember he was happy after she came home. This was his child and would soon turn to be the favorite in the whole liter. And I call it a liter well because I am not sure if their was any love from her to me when I pulled my first breath of life. And maybe if she would have realized it then that she wouldn't receive any money or anything because of me maybe she would have just given me to someone that would have really wanted a special child like me.
My step father was around 5'8" or 5'9" very white hair but it was because he had white hair at an early age. All of his family seemed to have white hair at a early age.
He just came in and took over was the way it felt to a very young child.
By the time Linda was born which wasn't very long after Roseanne was maybe a couple of years his true self was out a bit more and I started learning what fear was.
Unless you have lived in a family where one or the other parent was an alcoholic and abusive then you wouldn't understand what I am saying.
The memories of a wonderful child hood that should have been mine never came not to say they would have any way. But I never had a choice or maybe even a chance.
I remember watching kids my age having fun with there families and doing things on the weekends, holidays what ever the case maybe but that wasn't what my family was like.
Well he became more and more in control of the home and the drinking got worse and I use to sit outside in that stupid little play house I had and look up at the full moon and ask him why me? Stupid I know but who else was I to ask their was no one to listen or even understand what was going on in this child's brain.
I would sometimes sit there and cry to my self just wanting to disappear from this place that cause me so much pain.
PAIN: Now that's a word that I am very familiar with. And believe me when I say this also "I knew when something good ever happened I knew that there would be a price I would have to pay some where down the road." The so called phrase has always stuck into my head from a childhood that there is no turning back to correct or to just smooth over. "Laugh today cry tomorrow...."
This is what I lived by for many years and still today I catch my self saying it and wondering what will be the price that I will have to pay now? Be happy for a little while and pay dearly tomorrow....LOL...
Going threw this as a child you learn either to fight back or run or just sit back and hope your hiding place can't be found. When he would get drunk and come home we use to have to hide. His temper was always off the chain and maybe it wasn't all because of being drunk. I think she had some help to put him in the moods sometime. Either something she said before he left or when he returned. Either way it was never a pretty sight at our house. Broken glass every where doors busted off the hinges and even broken. Windows smashed hell it always looked like some one just came in and trashed the place looking for something to steal... We never could have anyone stay over because you never knew when the shit would hit the fan to speak and we would have to make our run for it to the woods or where ever we could get to.
The house I grew up in was a scary place. You never heard the words "I love you". At least I never heard them. You never knew what to expect from one day to the next. And it was a given that on the weekends or holidays there would be no one at home. We would be at my Aunts house and we meaning me and my two little sister's. My oldest sister decided to get married at the age of 17 to get out of the house. Her and my mother well lets say I'll save that story for another time but they still don't talk very much to each other and when she refers to our mother she Say's "So how's your mother doing" in and outside way. My sister between the oldest and me had enough and she decided to go live with my Aunt in Lakeland and go to school.
So there were only three.... I was now the oldest and I had responsibility put on me that I really should have never had. It's kind of hard being 7 or 8 and your mother sitting you down on the bed and asking you "What do you think we should do?"
If I had a dollar for every time those Fraze's were said to me wow... Those words even as today I can never escape from. I hear them from everyone I know and even some I really don't know. "What do you think I should do, What do you think we should do?" Sometime just the simple words of "What do you think" gives me shivers up my spine. These has been some powerful words in my life that have and more than likely never go away. But again another saying is "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" well there is a thing such as a slow death you know. And I have been living it for 46 yrs now.
I grew up with memories of spending Christmas in a hotel in another town having a large bag of crystal burgers to share with my younger sister's. Going out of town with my mother and sisters to the old movie house or drive-in to just be out of the house when he got home or be some where it would be safe till he passed out. Some times that took days.
And forbid it for us to go to sleep in the one bed that I had to share with the two younger girls. And he come home..... She would grab up the two younger ones and I was left to figure out what I was suppose to do.... Yeah that's when I use to sleep heavy something I learned threw my life not to do that any more. Always be on your guard and be listening out for what every may come at you. I am a very light sleeper today because of this shit and all I can say is THANK YOU.....
There is nothing like being a sleep in a sound deep sleep and getting yanked out of the bed by some drunk man yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs "Where in the hell is your mother at?" "Get in there and wash those dishes your mother left in the sink." and he would sit there and watch me stand on that wooden crate and wash the few glasses and 1 or 2 plates. Then while still tipping that can of beer or glass of booze he would look at me and tell me to "Go fine that fucking whore mother of yours." Wow something every 8yr old child wants to experience right? Yeah right.
And that was calm comparing to the times where he threw his pocket knife at me because I decide to run away from him another time she decided to leave me sleeping and he came in. But this is the big one. He had her in the corner between the two rooms slapping her around and breaking things. I got up and ran down the hall and yelled leave my mom alone. This was done so my one little sister could run out the back door and over to the next doors house to call the police. Well that didn't work to good. He turned around and grab me up by the neck of my shirt and lifted me up off of my feet and turned to throw me on the couch and by that time she had grabbed the younger one that was left and out the back door she ran.
Oh yeah leaving me there once again. But this time he was more angry than I had ever seen him and he put his hand in his pocket and pulled it out. It was bright and shiny. His gun and today I can't tell you why it didn't go off when the trigger was pulled. All I know is it gave me enough time to run. Never in my life did I wish for someone to be dead. Never in my life did I ever ask like I ask then "why was I put here on this earth for".
Time after time the fights would be bad and it was like no one really cared what was happening. No one wanted to get involved because they all knew what he was....
The fights would be so intense that sometimes it would look like war, war 3 hit our house. And that was after we returned when the smoke cleared. And when it was all over I was the one who had to help clean it up in the end.
I just never knew what peace was in the years of my child hood until maybe I was 14yrs old when he finally died from cancer and even then I didn't feel any freedom.
These memories I have carried around inside of me forever and I could never let them out because I always felt like I was being judged on the type of person I was. And really the type of person I was never came from my mother (who never told me she loved me until I was 36th yrs old), father (because I never knew him at all and for all I ever knew didn't give two shits about me any way), step father (well he was an alcoholic and he was just so I'm not sure I can find a word to describe him). So this is kind of hard for me to share this with the so called world. I have only shared these feelings with one good friend of mine before now. And I just don't understand what happened to trigger this as I was trying to figure out what to put here in this so called blog that really is nothing but my emotions put on stage to be so called judge by others any way.
And maybe trying to explain to the world that no matter what all the crap I have been through all my life I still had the feeling deep inside that one day just one day I would have my chance at happiness if for nothing else because of all the pain and heart break I went threw already in my life.
Well yeah fat chance right I would be more luckier to win the lottery and I don't even play....LOL...
I guess what goes threw my brain and believe me there are many things that shuffle threw it. Is the one question that I shouldn't say out loud..... "What did I ever do to get all of this?"
I suppose I should say that even though the monster died in my life it hasn't been the end. There has always been many monsters in my life. And lets not leave out the ghost and demons that torment my brain. But they all belong to me. And I guess in the end when the lights dim for that final time then and only then will they finally let me rest and leave me be.
"I am my own worse enemy" and that is a fact to this day. No one could ever judge me any more than I do my self.
I have tried to be that kind of person that says "Tomorrow will be another day to get things right and have something in my life."
Well I can say I have watched the sun go down and then see it come up to only get yet another disappointment. I have had some one say get out of that town you live in and go some where and start over. Well I have left this town four times and really why should I run any more? It really doesn't matter where you go if you aren't so called blessed with it your not going to get it.
It doesn't matter where you go you can't run away from the demons or from who you really are. I don't pretend to be something I am not. I'm just me simple and that's it... I never take from any one, I never ask for anything, and I never expect anything. I do it on my own and if I can't then I don't need it.
And to expect anything from anyone well that's yet another no, no. I have learned the hard way if you expect something from someone well all you are doing is setting your self up for disappointment and hurt. So just don't do it.
And that is my rules to this day. Don't ask for anything, don't expect anything and never let any one see your soft spot. Because if they ever find it then for sure you will be hurt...
Happiness you say??? There have been few times of happiness in my life. When my daughters were born. And let's say the cycle changed there. I always told them I loved them and I showed them. They had a different life than I did.
Watching and being there when my grand children were born was another happy time.
Now that my children have grown up and my grand kids are growing up I find my life has taken on this empty void.
I know you are thinking get involved with things going on in your neighborhood or something in that giving back to the world thing....
It doesn't work like that. How can you give something that you don't have or better yet how can you give something that the world has taken away from you in the very beginning.
So to all these perfect families out there that you have these family get togetherness or you do all these family things. Well you are the special ones in the end. Do you realize that??
And your thinking what about my kids now? Well they are all grown up and into there own lives. Yeah I do things with them but only when they have the time.
And the circle has come full once again. I am just as alone now as I was when I was a child and still I have no answer to the questions.
Now in stead of running off to the woods or crossing the tracks to find a secret place I go to the beach and watch the families there and wish I had what they had. I sit at home alone and wish I had that special someone to come through the door and share their day with me. To hold me when I feel scared and to wipe away my tears when I am hurt. To lay next to me at night and hold me tight close to them.
In stead of all of this I sit alone once again and wonder when is it going to be my time of happiness.
I guess there are just people like me in the world that will never see that kind of happiness. That were never meant to know what happiness is.
I have this thing that plays over and over in my head at times. This commercial I once saw that just stuck in my head. This old couple walking in the park holding hands and you hear the announcer talking about love lasting forever and you see this young couple walking behind them holding hands and as they reach the old couple the let go of each other hands and walk around the old couple and once around them they take each others hand again. She looks back and sees the old couple smile and then they smile at each other and you hear the announcer say diamonds are for ever like love is.... This I will never feel and yeas diamonds are forever but is love really forever???
The truth is nothing is forever except for pain. It lives on and never goes away.
And all the stories you hear growing up about happily ever after. Just another fairy tale to make you believe in something that isn't really there. Just a false wish and empty hopes. Something we all fight for but do we really ever find it.
I have had a few friends that have been married for years and I mean years 15 to 20 years plus. If they were honest to answer this question what would it be???
Are you truly happy??
They can lie to everyone around them but they can't lie to them selves or maybe they can. But are they really happy??
No they are not. There only happy with what they have created for them selves. The comfort zone to speak of.
So what is worse the being alone and being unhappy or beginning with someone that your not happy with? Tough answer that no one will ever answer or even think about.
So do what I do. Do the best you can with what you have.
Stay as busy as you can not to think of it. Hope at the end of the day your so tried that when you lay down to sleep that you fall asleep and don't dream of what you don't have. And that the night as cold as it is no matter what the temperature out side is goes as fast as it can so you can start it all over again.
Then one day it comes a final rest where you don't think, worry, feel or anything that you have felt over the years that have just maybe been all a mistake, a bad dream, or oh yes the worse joke ever played on you for the enjoyment of what ever makes this life here move forward.......
Enjoy what you have. Because there is always someone out there that would give anything to have what you have....