Monday, April 20, 2009

Look at me and tell me what you see (part 1)

And the story starts. Where it goes no one knows.
Question will the pain stop or do I have to feel this way for ever?
Question what did I do to have to feel this pain once again?

Sometimes you just need to get it out of your head. The feelings the ghost that haunts you inside.
But I have been told that there are some haunts that never leave. And they are never satisfied until they take your last breath....

So many questions and you wonder if there will ever be any answers.......

So the story starts.

The Pain Sometimes It Never Ends.

Wednesday this had gotten to be my only day. A very special day the excitement that runs through my body was so intense. The pull to just go and knock on the door. And when the door opens just wrap my arms around him and kiss him so deeply.

Another hard day and knowing there will come more days like this. Never ending torment to my heart and mind.

I have to work now before now I didn’t work on this day. So I get dressed trying to push the thoughts from my mind of him. How his touch was so soft and his kiss so sweet.

How it felt to be in his arms and that time seemed to just stand stills while we were together. All I want to do is just run to him. But work is there. My mind is spinning and I hear his voice so clear. Calling my name. Telling me I do love you and will always love you. You’ll always be right here with me.

My heart hurts so much it feels as if it is being ripped from my chest. This pain that takes your breath away. This pain that just shuts the body down making it not want for anything. Nothing but one thing. To be with him.

Then the phone rings maybe just maybe? I pick it up and look at the number no not the one. It’s my friend calling to see if I want to have a drink when I get off work tonight. She knows that something is up with me. My mind thinking you are a stupid girl did you really think that was him calling you. So you take a deep breath and fight back the tears that want to over take you. The breath that comes is so hard to come. Things spin and you know you have to get some control.

So the words slide off your tongue yes that would be fine I should be done by 10pm.
So you get ready and follow the motion put on a smile and go to work and don’t let anyone know just how much you are hurting inside.

Besides there just may be a chance that the phone will ring and he will be on the other end. Yeah I know false hope, faith in what that love wins in the end. You tell me because I really don’t know ant more. Everything I believed in, everything I had faith in. Just slipped right through my fingers. Just take a deep breath and take it one minute at a time.

Remember it’s only your old friend that has returned to visit yet once again. To remind you that you just are not allowed to be happy and laugh in your face yet once again. Fight the tears don’t let them come. Don’t let them see you cry. Don’t allow them to know you hurt. Remember the numbness will come and all feeling will go away soon.

This night is going to last forever I thought to my self as I drove to work. I really didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to be around any one. Specially people that come where I work to drink and have their fun. I really didn’t want to put that fake smile on my face and pretend again. What I really wanted to do is stay in my apartment and drink and just cry. The booze will take the edge off it for just a little while.

It’s just the beginning you been there before remember.
The only question that comes to my mind to haunt me over and over again. How could you be so stupid to believe you were so special.

The routine at work just takes over and the needs and wants of others took over and you do the job and wait for the time to end so you can just get out and breath the night air.
The darkness is your true friend it engulfs you and hides you keeping you safe from others.

You know you have two large bottles back at the house but will that be enough this time? So you stop at the bar down the road and even though you really don’t want to go in you go. It will only be a few minutes in and out. And you hope you don’t see any one you know there that will distract you from what you have to do.

Your mind whispers you have time. You have all the time in the world now. There will be no phone call for you to come. So you open the door and walk in with the thought in your mind if anyone ask you can’t stay you have to be some where soon. Just tell the one behind the bar you need two bottles of what has become your favorite drink. Parrot Bay but this time you don’t need the lime to take the edge off of it. You want it to bite you and let you know it’s there. Besides you have that full bottle of Patrone in the fridge along with the other two bottles at the house.

She smiles at you as you ask her to give you what you want. Where have you been haven’t seen you in a while? Just small talk made you just want to get what you want and get out. Leave her a tip on the bar and say something like have to run meeting some friends talk to you later and then out in the night once again.

Pulling up to the apartment you see your friend sitting there in her truck waiting. She knows something is going on and she will sit there and drink with you and listen. But you know that nothing anyone dose won’t fix it. There is only one human on this earth that can take this that you feel away right now. But that won’t happen so the bottles will have to do.

The small talk that starts as you get out of your car. Hey it will be alright you know. You’re a strong person. There is another day and you’ll survive this my friend. All I could do was look at her and say are you ready to drink or what? Because as of right now I don’t want to talk all I want to do is drink.

So all she does is smile and you know what’s going through her head right about now. It won’t take long she’ll get drunk and pass out soon. No sleep last night and nothing to eat all day. It will hit her like a load of bricks and in about 2 hours she will be passed out and you cover her up with a blanket and let her sleep.

Funny thing is everyone thinks they really know me. They think that I am just one of those who is simple minded fools. The problem with this is those who are around me now didn’t know me back then.

They didn’t see the person I was over 6 years ago when I could drink like a fish. When I could dink any one under the table. When drinking was like breathing. Oh I remember those days all to well. Up at 6am go to work get off at 5 then hit happy hour and then go home get dressed and go out. Drink until the place closed and then go home and have a couple more and finally sleep would over take me.
But hey the body and the mind was numb. No feelings and no thoughts either. Then up again at dawn and start all over again.

Now what comes to mind is what he said to me. “I saved you. I saved you from destruction”. For what so later down the road you could just wipe your hands of me and turn me lose to try again? Just off set it for a while? Or maybe just teach me that happiness is nothing but a dream that is out of reach for me? So many questions run through my mind.

She calls my name out loud and we go inside. Wow just how much are you intending to drink tonight. Or are you just stocking up for something and then that simple laugh slips over her lips.

All I could say was well lets see. If you have some place to be then go I’ll be alright. But she knows if she leaves now there will be no turning back and she can’t go. She needs to feed like the wild dogs feed on their kill.

That’s the problem with people. They like to feed on others pain. They sit there and watch and listen and some where in their brains they have all the answers for you. They can fix everything for others but in their own simple little lives they can’t fix their own problems. Maybe just maybe it is just a diversion for them. Taking their minds off what haunts them for just a short time. Or maybe it’s just something for them to be able to say wow my life isn’t so bad at all.

The need to feed on others pain………….

Walking into my place I flip on the light and sit the bottles on the table I her words but I’m really not listening to what they are. Then she calls my name. She changed things around in here. All I could say as I walk towards the bedroom to change out of my work cloths was yes about 6 times last night after work.

Looks good it really does. Well it was something to do and I couldn’t sleep any way.

I grab for something to throw on and I realize it’s his shirt. The one that has his school mascot on it and the writing of about once a, always a. And I remember when I got that shirt. And it starts. I run my hand across the front of it and I fill the tears swell in my eyes. Not yet you wont come yet I tell them. The I grab a pair of his boxer briefs and slide them up over my legs and think of how many times he had wore them and how he use to say I looked in his underwear. I had told him so many times that his cloths made me feel closer to him when he was gone.

Coming out of my room she sat there just waiting. All I could say are you ready for a drink? She smiled and nodded her head yeah but you know if I drink with you I will have to stay here. The answer that left me was that is fine there is a spare room everything you need is in there. Just go in and go to sleep when ever you want.

I really didn’t care sorry but I didn’t. She could stay or she could go it really didn’t matter to me right now. I had a mission and no one was talking me out of it. I looked at her and asked her if she wanted what I had to drink or did she bring her own. Her response was I have my own bottle and I brought my coke with me too.

I walked into the kitchen and opened the cabinet door and pulled out the typical rocks glasses out and filled them with ice. Your on your own now you make yours I am off duty now and besides I don’t think you really want me to make your drink. Because if I do you will be out in maybe 3 drinks. All she could do is laugh. But it was the truth. I could have her drunk in 3 drinks and maybe 6 or 7 she would be really to go to sleep then I could be alone.

Alone a word that has a great meaning to me now. So true, so true.

I crack the first bottle open and tilt it where it’s contents pours over the ice into the glass. The smell from it so sweet and yet it brings back memories also. My computer of a brain has so many of them stored inside of it. File after file in there with no delete button to push to purge it of all the precious memories I held on to for so many years.

My mind thinks of him and how he would be sleeping right now. Sleeping without a care in his life. So peaceful with no worry at all. And here I am ready to continue yet another night without sleep unless this old friend of mine that I hold in my hand decides that it will help me sleep.

Sleep another memory flashes through my brain. Yeah this is around about the time when we are laying down together. Snuggling up close to each other. I can feel his body pull close to me and feel his hand slid across my side where it finally rest on my breast taking it in his hand and holding onto it as he had did so many times when we would get ready to sleep. I can even feel the heat that comes from him on my back and a chill goes threw me.

I sigh and take pull the drink towards my lips as I fight once again to hold back the tears. Knowing if they come now there is no hope for me tonight. I will cry and cry until the breath in my lungs will be grasping. I will then again lose.

I think to my self just how much I hate my self and that yet again I allowed someone into my life to what in the end tear me apart and crush me, but this time it is different. This time I was broken. Something that the two before couldn’t manage to do. But yet this one was able to finish what they others couldn’t do. I think to my self there is no hope for me.

I walk over to the small table and turn the radio on. Music even though it’s not what I need right now. Because more than likely there will be some song that comes up that we listen to or that will remind me of him and something we shared. But I really don’t want to talk to her yet. I am not ready to open up as of yet to let her or any one else see the inside where all the pain is stored.

The need to feed on others pain……. I really don’t want to feed it yet. I see it in her eyes. They twinkle and the slight smile she has on her face as if to say. “Go a head tell me, spill your heart and gut out. Right here on the table in front of me. Let it all out. And once your done I’ll tell you just how stupid you are for trusting and believing and then when no more words could come to mind to make you fill any worse. Then I’ll leave and by tomorrow I will have told everyone that knows you just how pitiful you were last night and all because of what a man.

Then it comes I hear the tune and right away I know the song and I think fuck me. I look up at her and say you know you really don’t have to stay here and baby sit me. I will be alright you know. But the only response that comes is no that’s what friends are for. That shoulder to cry on and blab, blab, blab……

The songs takes over where her voice was and it grabs a hold of you and sucks you in. You don’t want to turn it off because then you will have to talk. Or listen to just how all the answers are right in front of you and they have been there for all this time.
Did you really think you were the only one? That question caught my attention.

The words to the song strike out at me strong and hard. Sticking the blade so deep it takes my breath.

“Need to know, don’t want to know, already know.
I seen the signs. I watched you as you pulled yourself away from me.
“Can’t believe, I want to believe, I can not believe.
Your making me doubt, I thought I knew you, I don’t even know myself.
I’m losing faith, I’m losing faith.
Your breaking my heart, breaking my heart, your breaking my heart again.
Don’t ask me to start, ask me to start, don’t ask me to start again.
Start again.

I want to fight, afraid to fight, why don’t I fight to make you see.
I hold my breath and disappear inside my self.
I’m losing strength, I’m losing strength.
Your breaking my heart, breaking my heart, your breaking my heart again.
Don’t ask me to start, ask me to start, don’t ask me to start again.
Start again.
Your breaking my heart, breaking my heart, your breaking my heart again.
Don’t ask me to start, ask me to start, don’t ask me to start again.
Start again.
No, oh no.
Losing you, I’m losing you.
Losing you, I’m losing you.
(Aqualung is the artist)

The words of her are muffled out and she just sits there looking at me like I was just an idiot.

To be contuined.........

Thursday, April 16, 2009

No Pictures just simple Thoughts with some regrets

Well it has been sometime since I have wrote here. But as we all know those who have to work and how life is we forget about something’s because other’s become a little important. Well first off I want to wish anyone that still comes by this space happy holidays the ones I have missed and I wish you all are well and happy.

Well lets see so many things and don’t really know where to begin.

Health wise as you can see I am still kicking and screaming lol. Taking two tiny little pills a day. One in the am and one in the pm. Wow here most people get up looking forwards to breakfast. As for me it’s a pill and a night as some of you stand there brushing your teeth, which for all purposes I do brush my teeth lol…. But then it’s yet another pill then a shot I give myself before settling down to read or do some work around my place waiting for sleep to decide to come visit. Well I don’t sleep that much as you can see.

I like sitting out side sometimes between the early hours of 2am and 4am. It’s nice and cool but it is so very peaceful. You can still see the stars twinkle and even on the nights the moon is full and bright you can sometimes see it slowly move across the night sky. And I make my wish upon the man in the moon.

I have been working quite a bit lately 6pm till 10pm sometimes till 12pm five nights a week making drinks for those who need to have something to make them happy or something like that.
The thing is since I am a bartender I have also acquired the position of being the shoulder to cry on lol…

Not that there is anything wrong with it but when you listen to some of the things people have to say and you see and hear about others that are in worse shape you wonder.

Well I guess that and some other things got me thinking. And let me be the first one to say I am truly my own worse enemy. That’s a fact. I judge my self more harshly than any one could ever. I won’t go into that story on how I managed to acquire that trait.
And yet another one I have is not really saying things sometimes like they should be said. Sometimes things comes out not like I meant them if you know what I am saying.
So if by chance people that really know me and the complexity of my mind well I hope they understand and kind of just giggle. Oh yeah there will be those that say oh shit she is on the run again. And maybe there may be a friend out there that knows me well enough that a tear may fall. But all I can say is please don’t cry. For I have cried enough tears for everyone.
And if what I am saying touches your heart then just say some little prayer that I find what I am looking for.
But only those will understand and know just how I really feel inside. Because I am one of those people that tend to keep the feeling thing bottled up as long as possible.
And when it can no longer stay inside in runs out.

I turned forty-seven this year. WOW can’t lie and turn that number around. And yes some girl friends took me out for it. The funny thing was I didn’t really want any gifts from anyone I just wanted to get drunk, fall down, puke and then pass out.

I guess I should start at the beginning.
A bunch of us girls had planned to go to the St. Paddy’s Day Madrigal thing they have in Georgia. A weekend with the girls having some fun and doing something different. Well since I am technically single and a couple of the girls weren’t their husbands had a slight problem with that plan. So it got canceled. Then we planned to go over to the coast. Well they didn’t except that either.

So it almost came down to me doing this birthday thing alone.
And really the number wasn’t at all depressing it was the fact that I was more than likely going to spend it all alone. So I was somewhat depressed about that.

That’s when one of my friends decided that a night of drinking at the local bars would have to do. So that’s what we done. All in all it was alright and I did have some fun and I did accomplish what I set out to do. (Get drunk. Puke and pass out.)

The next morning as I laid in my bed thinking of what has come out of all the years I have been here I wondered about a lot of things.
First off and I guess this got me rolling down a path that I never really thought of.
What happens in the end?

Big question I know. I sit there and think of my friends that have husbands and yes even boyfriends and I then look at my self and wonder where did I go wrong at.

I did have someone in my life but he was in and out like a bird taking flight sometimes.
When he was here he was the best thing I ever had. He made me laugh, he held me when I cried all the wonderful things you look for he was in fact that.

We were also close and talked about everything and anything with each other. He told me I was a free spirit and that he had never in his life ever seen anyone as caring or as giving as I was. Wonderful right.

Well we had been seeing each other for many years. Even marriage was brought up a few times but for some reason I could not take a promise from someone that really wasn’t in a position to give it so I said no.

The last and finally time it was offered he laid there next to me and said “I must have miss understood what you wanted”. All I could say was you can’t promise me something that you can’t really give honestly. And if he is reading this he will know what I am saying.

After that point the relationship was still strong but things did change. There has been many times I wished I could have gone back to that first time and said yes, yes I love you and I would be proud to be your wife. However you can’t go back and all the wishing just won’t change what the answer did that I gave to him.
And I think of how it may have hurt or disappointed him even if he wouldn’t admit it now.
The times we were together were so wonderful there would be no words to put out to really say what we had together.

But as in life things change and people get into a what you would say rut. I then became what some would say backseat. Other things became important and then he was leaving town to work other places and things kind of lighten up.

Of course when he was here things were wonderful and full of passion and WOW our sex life was awesome. He use to always tell me he loved me, look into my eyes and say all the wonderful things that we all wish for.

Then things changed he now started telling me you know I love you and I will always love you. However I don’t have to say it all the time.

Then it got to where when he was going to leave he wouldn’t even pick up the phone and say “hey I have to go out of town to work not sure when I’ll be back” nothing, nothing at all.

Times I have made dinner and to find out he wasn’t in town after plans were made.
It just got to where my feelings didn’t seem to matter.

I have thought so many times that maybe it was because of what I said to him those few times he asked me to marry him. Was this a punishment I was going to have to endure this for as long as I loved this man?

So many deep thoughts haunt my brain as I lay there at nights trying and fighting for sleep.

So many times this man has asked me “what is it you want“? And never have I been able to really tell him what it is I truly want. You say fear yes that is part of it.

Fear that if I tell him then there will be the ultimate rejection of all. So I kept my mouth shut and just went with the flow and seen him when I could and sat alone at night when he was gone wishing and hoping for his return to come soon.

Things that we shared became very valuable to me. The cards he had gave me early in the relationship where I could read what he had wrote of the love we had and how special it was.

The boxer briefs that was his I use to wear around and still do even though they have become some what thinning. The shirts of his I use to wear that had his cologne on them. So I could smell him close to me in his absents.

His socks I use to wear to keep my feet warm because I was the one who always got cold. The heart bracelet he picked out and gave to me for a birthday.

Now that is all I have. That and the memories of his arms wrapped so tight around me. The memories of all those nights of him saying to me “we fit together as one so perfect” as we laid in each others arms getting ready for sleep. And how he use to say my breast felt so wonderful pressed up against his back before we feel to sleep.

Well recently we had a chance to see each other and to talk. Well I mostly talked because that is what I do when I get nervous talk. He told me that we are friends but however he can’t see me any more. I sat there looking at him fighting back the tears and then brining up something to change the subject so that when the first tear did fall and roll down my cheek he wouldn’t know what they were really from.

Then the question came again. “What is it you want?”

All the babbling of when the end comes for me who is going to be there for me? Who is going to hold my hand and whisper they love me as the lights slowly dims?
Just babbling along.

All I could say was…. All I want is to be happy.

Which is true but it wasn’t all that I wanted to say to him.
It’s not about just being happy, but what I want is to be with you. I want to be happy with you. I do love you with every inch of my being.

But I just couldn’t get the words to come out yet once again. So as I was leaving he put his arms around me and held me tight not too many words were spoken. I wanted to tell him I loved him but I bit my tongue instead.

All I could whisper to him was I want you to be happy.

So if you do read this the love of my life. The only piece of my heart that I had. I gave to you still remains with you. There will never be another man in this life to fill the shoes you wore.

There will never be another man that will see me for me and will laugh at my inner child that likes to jump on the bed or play in the rain.

One in a million years a flower blooms with extraordinary colors. This flower opens from the touch of love. The sweet smell fills the night air and lingers for some time.

You find that when you pass you can still smell the sweetness and you wonder if the flower still blooms how could it be.

But the flower has passed and the bloom is no longer there it’s only the sweet memory you have of it’s beauty and the memory of it’s sweet kiss.

So yes in the end I will be alone in body. No one to hold my hand. No one to kiss my lips grasping for breath. No one to tell me I love you and you were the best thing that ever came into my life.

However when it is my time to go I will think of all those wonderful years that I have loved and been loved by you. Even though there weren’t many they still were the best and most loving few years I had. You made me laugh, when others couldn‘t. You taught me to love when I thought I couldn’t. You made be believe again when there was no reason to.

Thank you my dear sweet friend. Thank you my love. I do and will always love you till that final day and then I will take that love with me. And by chance if there is another time I get to come back around I will search for you again and share it with you once more.

I love you was the words I wanted to say to you before I walked out the door.
I love you so very much and will always have you in my heart.
I wish you love and so much happiness. When you are out at night and you see that big bright beautiful full moon. Think of me and all my love is with you.

As Always You Know !