Thursday, April 16, 2009

No Pictures just simple Thoughts with some regrets

Well it has been sometime since I have wrote here. But as we all know those who have to work and how life is we forget about something’s because other’s become a little important. Well first off I want to wish anyone that still comes by this space happy holidays the ones I have missed and I wish you all are well and happy.

Well lets see so many things and don’t really know where to begin.

Health wise as you can see I am still kicking and screaming lol. Taking two tiny little pills a day. One in the am and one in the pm. Wow here most people get up looking forwards to breakfast. As for me it’s a pill and a night as some of you stand there brushing your teeth, which for all purposes I do brush my teeth lol…. But then it’s yet another pill then a shot I give myself before settling down to read or do some work around my place waiting for sleep to decide to come visit. Well I don’t sleep that much as you can see.

I like sitting out side sometimes between the early hours of 2am and 4am. It’s nice and cool but it is so very peaceful. You can still see the stars twinkle and even on the nights the moon is full and bright you can sometimes see it slowly move across the night sky. And I make my wish upon the man in the moon.

I have been working quite a bit lately 6pm till 10pm sometimes till 12pm five nights a week making drinks for those who need to have something to make them happy or something like that.
The thing is since I am a bartender I have also acquired the position of being the shoulder to cry on lol…

Not that there is anything wrong with it but when you listen to some of the things people have to say and you see and hear about others that are in worse shape you wonder.

Well I guess that and some other things got me thinking. And let me be the first one to say I am truly my own worse enemy. That’s a fact. I judge my self more harshly than any one could ever. I won’t go into that story on how I managed to acquire that trait.
And yet another one I have is not really saying things sometimes like they should be said. Sometimes things comes out not like I meant them if you know what I am saying.
So if by chance people that really know me and the complexity of my mind well I hope they understand and kind of just giggle. Oh yeah there will be those that say oh shit she is on the run again. And maybe there may be a friend out there that knows me well enough that a tear may fall. But all I can say is please don’t cry. For I have cried enough tears for everyone.
And if what I am saying touches your heart then just say some little prayer that I find what I am looking for.
But only those will understand and know just how I really feel inside. Because I am one of those people that tend to keep the feeling thing bottled up as long as possible.
And when it can no longer stay inside in runs out.

I turned forty-seven this year. WOW can’t lie and turn that number around. And yes some girl friends took me out for it. The funny thing was I didn’t really want any gifts from anyone I just wanted to get drunk, fall down, puke and then pass out.

I guess I should start at the beginning.
A bunch of us girls had planned to go to the St. Paddy’s Day Madrigal thing they have in Georgia. A weekend with the girls having some fun and doing something different. Well since I am technically single and a couple of the girls weren’t their husbands had a slight problem with that plan. So it got canceled. Then we planned to go over to the coast. Well they didn’t except that either.

So it almost came down to me doing this birthday thing alone.
And really the number wasn’t at all depressing it was the fact that I was more than likely going to spend it all alone. So I was somewhat depressed about that.

That’s when one of my friends decided that a night of drinking at the local bars would have to do. So that’s what we done. All in all it was alright and I did have some fun and I did accomplish what I set out to do. (Get drunk. Puke and pass out.)

The next morning as I laid in my bed thinking of what has come out of all the years I have been here I wondered about a lot of things.
First off and I guess this got me rolling down a path that I never really thought of.
What happens in the end?

Big question I know. I sit there and think of my friends that have husbands and yes even boyfriends and I then look at my self and wonder where did I go wrong at.

I did have someone in my life but he was in and out like a bird taking flight sometimes.
When he was here he was the best thing I ever had. He made me laugh, he held me when I cried all the wonderful things you look for he was in fact that.

We were also close and talked about everything and anything with each other. He told me I was a free spirit and that he had never in his life ever seen anyone as caring or as giving as I was. Wonderful right.

Well we had been seeing each other for many years. Even marriage was brought up a few times but for some reason I could not take a promise from someone that really wasn’t in a position to give it so I said no.

The last and finally time it was offered he laid there next to me and said “I must have miss understood what you wanted”. All I could say was you can’t promise me something that you can’t really give honestly. And if he is reading this he will know what I am saying.

After that point the relationship was still strong but things did change. There has been many times I wished I could have gone back to that first time and said yes, yes I love you and I would be proud to be your wife. However you can’t go back and all the wishing just won’t change what the answer did that I gave to him.
And I think of how it may have hurt or disappointed him even if he wouldn’t admit it now.
The times we were together were so wonderful there would be no words to put out to really say what we had together.

But as in life things change and people get into a what you would say rut. I then became what some would say backseat. Other things became important and then he was leaving town to work other places and things kind of lighten up.

Of course when he was here things were wonderful and full of passion and WOW our sex life was awesome. He use to always tell me he loved me, look into my eyes and say all the wonderful things that we all wish for.

Then things changed he now started telling me you know I love you and I will always love you. However I don’t have to say it all the time.

Then it got to where when he was going to leave he wouldn’t even pick up the phone and say “hey I have to go out of town to work not sure when I’ll be back” nothing, nothing at all.

Times I have made dinner and to find out he wasn’t in town after plans were made.
It just got to where my feelings didn’t seem to matter.

I have thought so many times that maybe it was because of what I said to him those few times he asked me to marry him. Was this a punishment I was going to have to endure this for as long as I loved this man?

So many deep thoughts haunt my brain as I lay there at nights trying and fighting for sleep.

So many times this man has asked me “what is it you want“? And never have I been able to really tell him what it is I truly want. You say fear yes that is part of it.

Fear that if I tell him then there will be the ultimate rejection of all. So I kept my mouth shut and just went with the flow and seen him when I could and sat alone at night when he was gone wishing and hoping for his return to come soon.

Things that we shared became very valuable to me. The cards he had gave me early in the relationship where I could read what he had wrote of the love we had and how special it was.

The boxer briefs that was his I use to wear around and still do even though they have become some what thinning. The shirts of his I use to wear that had his cologne on them. So I could smell him close to me in his absents.

His socks I use to wear to keep my feet warm because I was the one who always got cold. The heart bracelet he picked out and gave to me for a birthday.

Now that is all I have. That and the memories of his arms wrapped so tight around me. The memories of all those nights of him saying to me “we fit together as one so perfect” as we laid in each others arms getting ready for sleep. And how he use to say my breast felt so wonderful pressed up against his back before we feel to sleep.

Well recently we had a chance to see each other and to talk. Well I mostly talked because that is what I do when I get nervous talk. He told me that we are friends but however he can’t see me any more. I sat there looking at him fighting back the tears and then brining up something to change the subject so that when the first tear did fall and roll down my cheek he wouldn’t know what they were really from.

Then the question came again. “What is it you want?”

All the babbling of when the end comes for me who is going to be there for me? Who is going to hold my hand and whisper they love me as the lights slowly dims?
Just babbling along.

All I could say was…. All I want is to be happy.

Which is true but it wasn’t all that I wanted to say to him.
It’s not about just being happy, but what I want is to be with you. I want to be happy with you. I do love you with every inch of my being.

But I just couldn’t get the words to come out yet once again. So as I was leaving he put his arms around me and held me tight not too many words were spoken. I wanted to tell him I loved him but I bit my tongue instead.

All I could whisper to him was I want you to be happy.

So if you do read this the love of my life. The only piece of my heart that I had. I gave to you still remains with you. There will never be another man in this life to fill the shoes you wore.

There will never be another man that will see me for me and will laugh at my inner child that likes to jump on the bed or play in the rain.

One in a million years a flower blooms with extraordinary colors. This flower opens from the touch of love. The sweet smell fills the night air and lingers for some time.

You find that when you pass you can still smell the sweetness and you wonder if the flower still blooms how could it be.

But the flower has passed and the bloom is no longer there it’s only the sweet memory you have of it’s beauty and the memory of it’s sweet kiss.

So yes in the end I will be alone in body. No one to hold my hand. No one to kiss my lips grasping for breath. No one to tell me I love you and you were the best thing that ever came into my life.

However when it is my time to go I will think of all those wonderful years that I have loved and been loved by you. Even though there weren’t many they still were the best and most loving few years I had. You made me laugh, when others couldn‘t. You taught me to love when I thought I couldn’t. You made be believe again when there was no reason to.

Thank you my dear sweet friend. Thank you my love. I do and will always love you till that final day and then I will take that love with me. And by chance if there is another time I get to come back around I will search for you again and share it with you once more.

I love you was the words I wanted to say to you before I walked out the door.
I love you so very much and will always have you in my heart.
I wish you love and so much happiness. When you are out at night and you see that big bright beautiful full moon. Think of me and all my love is with you.

As Always You Know !

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

ingstYou are the Moom. I think of you every time I see it. I always will. I knew why you werer really crying, it was tough for me too, but it had to be done. You are such a great writer, you need to keep blogging. don't be a stranger.