Just doing some deep thing is all

I guess this one is out of deep thought. And yes I think way too deep sometimes than I should. I wish at times I could just turn my brain off just so I could get some peace. But it doesn’t work that way right.

I have a question for you? When you argue with your brain on any question does this make you insane? How many people drive down the road and find your self asking a question out loud when it is just you in the car?? More than that how many people actually answer that question??

When I have things going on in my life that I just can’t bring my self to ask someone else I drive. And yes I do talk to my self. I do this maybe because I don’t want to bother someone else or maybe I am searching for an answer from deep within my self.

But when the brains answer is not what the heart wants to hear what do you do then??
Do you rule out the brain or do you rule out the heart?? The brain remembers everything and the heart feels everything. They should work together not against each other at least this is how it should be right??

So which one is right?? Is there a right and a wrong in this duel?? I’m not sure and this is the dilemma I have had for some time…

My heart tell me one thing but my brain says another. My brain says that it doesn’t matter and in fact you may not matter and that your just a so called sanctuary or a stop for the time being. But the heart says no there is feelings there and it is a true feeling.

But when the actions don’t go with the feelings like they use to do what then????
Do you then believe the brain?? I guess I am empath maybe more than what I like too be. I know I have no ability to give less than all of me when I am in a relationship be it romantic or friendship. I give it all to the point to where when it is done I feel the loss and empty more than the other involved . I feel deeply tired and even sometimes hopeless.

Is there a time when the heart becomes numb to where it doesn’t feel any more?? And just how many people say “I wish my heart would numb so I don’t keep feeling the same pain over and over again” and really mean it?? Because if it does go numb then there is no feeling for anything.

Through my life experiences I have said this many times. I have wished time after time that the brick wall I put up would with-stand the push from the other side. And time after time I allow that force from the other side to sip threw a hole and come thru to the side where I stand vulnerable and naked. Something like a small child lost in the dark woods where there are wild animals that are out there to kill and feed.

And time after time I accept this force as something good to only find out later that I was just a stopping point for this force and that my feelings and wants did not mean as much as I thought they should. And just maybe I didn’t matter.
And yes I have no one to blame but my self for allowing this in the first place. This is what the all mighty brain says. It’s your fault you knew this could happen and you allowed it.

How do you have a relationship with others without putting feelings behind it?? Many people do this and really when it comes to the straight up skinny they look back and find that the feelings they thought they had for the other were out of need for something they were missing in the life. Kind of like a fill in..

Life doesn’t come with a hand book to tell us how to react with others. We simply rely on what we have been taught of what is right and what is wrong.

However if this wasn’t taught does this make an acceptation for the one that goes in and hurts the other??? And what about those that just don’t care??
And really are there any real true answers??

Treat others as you would want to be treated…. Not fuck them before they fuck you…. This is what our world has turned into.
No compassion, no empathy, no thought, just nothing but the want at the time….
Sometimes the smallest gesture in kindness can move a mountain. But then sometimes a gesture with self motivation can tear and rip apart a life….

And for the one that there is only hurt time after time and false trust time after time when is enough actually enough???
And what then? Who pays when this rare breed of person that has the ability to have compassion and empathy, and all of the best qualities of a human being comes to this point in life that nothing really matters any more?? And no matter how hard they try to keep there head above the tides and hope and believe the next day will be different. Someone will really care.

Is this in fact a fairytale belief now to wish and believe in something that should be so easy??? To wish and believe in something good to believe in another human….
Easy for so few and to the rest?? Do they feel something missing?? Do they feel the pain they cause the other?? Or are they in their own world were no matter what is done or cause they just don’t care??

I don’t want to believe that there are actual human beings out there that don’t give a shit and that their own self is more important than some ones feelings.
Am I being Neiva to this new age world where it is the “all bout me thing“??
If you have a so called best friend and you know they are hurting inside. Do you stand there while they slice their wrist because they are tired of being in a world of so much pain and disappointment??
Or do you really believe that there is a reason deep inside to stop them??? Or do you just simply turn your back and walk away because it doesn’t fit into what you want??

Have we actually become a society of emotional vampires preying on the weak??
And what about the weak?? Are they only put here for just one reason and that is to be devoured by the strong??

When is enough really enough??

Albert J Bernstein says that an emotional Vampire is one who seek to destroy the emotional and psychological well-being of others. That their needs are more important than others and the rules don’t apply.

Have you ever entered into something knowing that in the end someone was going to be hurt?? And knowing this you still proceeded… Did it really matter to you if they were hurt just as long as they didn’t do anything to interfere with you and what you wanted?

I hope this world has not turned into a world of walking, talking, breathing monsters…

Because if this is so then what is there left… When you look into the mirror what do you see in the reflection looking back at you??? Are you happy with what you see??? Are you happy with what you have done up till now in your life??
We all search in life for something. No matter what it is we search. But most of the time we search out happiness. Someone that makes you laugh and laughs with you. Someone to love and love you back as much as you.

How come something so simple is so hard?? Trial and error this is how life is. You either swim or you drown.

I recall many years ago when I worked in the medical field. I remember this one time that really sticks into my head still today for what reason I will soon unveil. I was working and they brought this young person into the trauma area. Overdose! As I stood there looking at this young person I remember stating such a young life what could really be that bad to waste it….

Well the thought of suicide back then was something so wrong you just didn’t do it… There was nothing so bad to take your life. Again tomorrow is another day to try again….

Well I didn’t realize that all those so called phrases I spit from my mouth was nothing but not understanding… Judging on something that at the time was out of my league.

Nothing like walking in some ones shoes can you honestly start to see what it feels like. And yes I walked in a pair of shoes.

And yes I tried suicide. Am I a shamed of it I can’t say I am… I do have a new thought of someone that wants this…

Would I try and stop someone from doing this?? The answer is yes I would still try and stop them from taking their life… It’s my nature to help and to save and to fix…. No matter the cost to me…
The only thing is I can now say I truly understand because I have walked in those shoes.
Would I ever do it ever again???

This I can say honesty I really don’t know…

Until that edge is there where it’s jump or just fall no one knows….
Would I do something to hurt some one on purpose the answer to that is NO!!!
The ability of taking from someone with out a second thought doesn’t even cross my mind.

Does this make me a better person because I have the ability to care about some ones feeling over mine? No…… Does this give the right to others to not care for my feelings??? No, but I have no control over what others do.

All this does is make me human. A person that gives without saying I want something in return. It makes me a person that fights with my brain and my heart on what to say or if I should say anything at all. It makes me a person that somewhere inside that has a fear. A fear of if I ask the answer may hurt worse than if I don’t even ask to start with.

What does this make me??? Simple…. Just a person that thinks to much. Just a person that feels too much…. Just a person that cares to much…

Just a human with feelings that gets hurt by people that don’t simply think that I do have feelings….

The next best thing to a thinker is someone that is brain dead to what goes on around them. A person that nothing really matters but what they think is right. Yeah the all about me thing…….

Words are just words…. However if I have said anything in this mere writings of my thought and feels that has offended any one please accept my deepest apologies…..
I say things from the heart sometimes and of course the brain says it’s all stupid. You should put your self out there to be chewed up…lol…