Monday, July 14, 2008

PART ONE "Just Thinking Some"

Well I have been away for a while. I am sorry I will try and write a little more if I can. So here goes just some thoughts I have been carrying around and some that have just popped in my brain.
It’s weird how you start writing something and before you know it there is something that takes over. That’s the power of writing. And on a day like this with the rain hitting the window pane what do you do any way. Pour your self a cocktail and put some music on and start writing. I hope the ones that do read this will enjoy it.
Maybe I can share some more. It may take 2 or 3 entries to get this all down. I’m not sure how long I will write today. I know as long as I feel like writing I will write.
But there will come a time when the pages will go blank and all that has been wrote will fade away and be just faint memories of what was once written and shared with ones that took the time to read and understand.

Well for all those who follow the horoscope thing like me …lol.. Well I know there are some that say that it is a big bowel of shit…

But have you ever thought that everyone has to have something to hold on to and put there believe and faith in? And yes I know not all things are worthy of faith. But we each have our own things we hold on to for some kind of hope even if it’s what some would call stupid. And something as simple as reading a stupid horoscope would make you laugh or smile and think wow that’s me.
Well let me say this read on. I read them everyday well almost everyday and I can say this one today has been the closest to me than any has ever been.
“MSN” Horoscope comes to my email along with yahoo and I think one more. I read them and compare them to each other. Some are the same but then there are parts that just blend.

Anyways today I was reading and this was so funny they all said the same. However if you really knew me for who I am you would say that this hit the head on the nail.

They all read as follows:
“You may be wondering whose shoulder you should cry on, Jen, when usually yours is the shoulder that everyone else likes to use. The collar of your shirt is probably soaking wet by now, thanks to all the tears that have spilled on you. Your compassion for others is definitely one of your biggest strength, but be aware of the fact that it can also be one of your biggest weaknesses.” Hold on there it is was too close…….

The people who really know me will say I am always there for everyone listening to them and never giving advice unless they ask then I only give my opinion and that’s about it.
I have held so many hands and yes wiped so many tears of others and gave that big quote “Things will get better and there is always tomorrow . And I am always the first one my friends always calls when something goes wrong no matter what time it is day or night. I am always there. Always…..
And sometimes only one question comes to my mind. Who will be there for me?

For the last few weeks I have been under the weather and I haven’t really talked about it to many people I know. I have just kind of been holding it inside not wanting to worry my family or my friends. It’s been a real emotional thing for me and at times I have felt as if I was all alone. Maybe the memories of the first time is sneaking back in reminding me of the times when I was all alone dealing with all these things and this illness.
Don’t get me wrong I have family my daughters and my sisters, a few what I would call good friends. But as I have always done, I feel that they are so busy within their own lives and what is going on in them that they don’t need to know what’s happening or what is worrying me.

I don’t like to lean on others too much. I don’t like to feel like I am burden to anyone. But mostly I have been the only one that I have depended on then and yes even now to a degree.
So I deal with these things trying to work them out in my head. I pull my self back away from people so they don’t see the weak side of me.

The truth is people have enough to worry about already they don’t need things added on to there own worries in life. I guess even in some ways I know there isn’t enough time for them to do for me in there bust life.
So I tend to write in my books. I have journals that go back I would say 10 years or so maybe more.

Feelings, dreams, fears everything that has crossed my brain has gone into these books.

All dated and in a box packed away in a safe place so wondering eyes could not read.

These are my thoughts my feelings and yes my life and they are private just for me.

And I try not to pull them out because some bring me back to a place where there life wasn’t so good and a lot of emotional pain lays in between the pages that are stained from the tears that hit them as I wrote.
They also have some wonderful times where I have laughed and been so happy too. But even those pulled out and pages read brings a tears to my eyes and a bit of pain to my heart because they were shared with special people that for some reason or another has passed or just isn‘t here any more.

Yes I am an emotional person more likely more than any one here has ran into more likely. I sense and feel things when I am around others specially when they are going threw something difficult or painful. I tend to shut off what ever is worrying or bothering me in my life and I offer a hand and a ear. With that said I just thought of something.
Just sharing a moment that happened some time back
I was visiting a friend and I was sitting out in front of my room there was this little bird hopping around looking for crumbs on the ground. Well me I went inside and got some crackers and broke them up and fed the little bird. I thought it was great to watch the little bird eating I felt great to just sit there and watch thinking if I had my camera I could get some great pictures.

Well he ate then he flew up and I thought he was off to another place. So I didn’t think of it again other than mentioning it over dinner that night I do believe but that was it. Well the next morning I left the hotel room to go around to the front to get coffee and half way around I looked down on the ground and there laying on the ground was the little bird. He was dead. I broke down like a little child crying and I felt so bad.
Here I had just gave him some crackers the evening before and now he was dead. Some people would say that it’s just life the way things happen. But for me it isn’t just life. Some how it has become a part of me. I have come to the conclusion that I am very acceptable to things the older I get the stronger it becomes.

And what frighten me is that what happens when it becomes so strong that I do have to become a person that withdraws to there selves away from others because it hurts to much to feel the world around them.
They sometimes become great writers because they write from the heart. And sometimes they become great painters because they see from their soul. I my self don’t even dare put my self into those categories.
And if I do make it to that place I don’t think I would ever see my self as a great person.
I just have a kind spirit and a caring and giving heart.

I never learned to say no. I always take on way more than I can carry but things some how work out for all the best reason because I never go into anything thinking what I was going to get out of it in the end.
I would give up everything to just see someone happy and safe. I was told once that I was a unique human. And even called a few other things also. I think someone called me a freak to once because I was so in tuned in what was happening at the time.
Maybe it’s because I worked as a trauma nurse before for like 12 yrs or so. I had so much empathy for others. But it wasn’t something I hadn’t had years before.

There will be more to read......

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I liked it. I enjoy reading my horoscope too I love when I think: wow that is so me after reading it.

You made me think about somethings a little too. It really drew me in.

People call me a very unique person as well. They say the way I think about things is weird or the way I do things is out of the ordinary. Oh well, atleast I'm not fake.