A long time ago I met this wonderful person and still to this day this person is my best friend.
Along the way all the good times we had my friend told me I should be writing. With so much going on in my life I just put it a side and only thought about it every once in a while.
Now thinking about it I really don't think it was that I didn't have the time to sit down and write. I think maybe it wasn't time to write about it. Now six years later I sit at my computer and at first I just looked at the blank screen for hours. Then it happened.
The words started coming and my fingers couldn't keep up at first with all the things running through my brain. But now it has started.
Everything seems to be just pouring out.
The questions that may be asked. Is this a true story? Yes. Will it make you laugh? Yes. Will it make you cry? Yes. But to say it will be a happy ending I can't say. Because the story hasn't come to a end as of yet.
But as in life the story never comes to a end till it's time.
I have changed the names and some other things due to there is some of the people in the story. Because if they ever found out about these things a few would not only be hurt but there would be anger and there is no telling what this snowball could cause.
Why write it then? Because if this story could help some one going through the same thing then that is enough. If it could let someone else know that someone some where out there knows what it is like and they understand. Then I can say I do.
I know there are others that have been caught up in this very same thing. Some just don't last this long and for others it has gone on longer and is still going on.
Will it make some make a decision? Maybe I am not sure. But I do know that if I had read something like this four years ago when the question was asked of me I would have said yes. Which would have more than likely put things in to motion and now I maybe living with the one that I love and not just being the one that is just a best friend when he comes to town and has the time to visit.
So when I have the first chapter I will post for comments and as they are finished I will post new chapters.
I hope that when all is said and done the one that I have wrote about reads will understand and just maybe walking back through all of it will not only enjoy it for all the wonderful memories but will finally see what love is really about.
Oh yeah I haven't came up with a name for it yet that will come before it's over.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Something New
Well it's been a while since I have graced this place with my presents. I think a few people have laid there blogs a side for a while due to this new thing that has popped up. Facebook....
Oh yeah I am guilty of this also. Now I have many web pages that when I am not so busy or I am looking to just chat with someone I know or what ever I go to. I think we all do this.
Those who have or had the Myspace page which has been a rage for some years now has even given it up for this new page. Let's not forget Twitter too. Me I haven't yet got into this one as of yet. And I may not because frankly I don't have the time.
The difference I feel between these pages and the blogging ones is that there is no need to really think what you will put into the writings. And the pictures you will post. You just say something as if you were just talking to someone. And just post pictures like you would have in a picture album on your coffee table.
I think these pages are more for those who just want to read and talk back and forth with out just picking up a phone and calling the person or just simply e-mailing them. It can be just a simple statement or question.
I think people are getting so caught up in there day to day lives that they don't have the time to sit and think about what to write. It does take a bit of time.
Then there are those that just think that they can't write. And of course those that can't understand the writings of others. Because it takes to much time to either read between the lines or something.
My blog has never been one of great words of wisdom or advice in one manner or another. It's been filled with just feelings that I have felt due to life's play I guess would be the word that describes it best for me.
Basically it's just for me I guess to express my feelings and get them out of my head. And because I like to write.
And to communicate with one who is not able to call and talk.
Funny how life plays games with our brains. Things we think are so important to us is just mere writings that either make others laugh, cry, or sigh.
So to the next stage of things on this wide world of web. Have fun with it but remember that something else will pop up and take the place of these new wonders.
And to all those that keep blogging my hats off to you. You are a true breed.
I was told once by a friend of mine who I once tried to get to blog with me. She said that they reason she doesn't blog is that people get long winded and don't say what they mean by using short phrases and getting to the point.
Well if any one is like me it is hard to just write to the point. Because there are so many pictures in the brain and so many stories rambling there that it is hard to just put out something like I don't like chocolate chip cookies. I am the one person that has to go into depth and say just why I don't like them.
Does this make me a deep person. No I just have a way of describing things I see and feel. And sometime story telling time can be fun.
Just some more long winded thoughts of a brain that thinks way too much.....
If you are among all those that do the Facebook or Myspace or what ever if I have offended any of you. My deepest apologies.
Oh yeah I am guilty of this also. Now I have many web pages that when I am not so busy or I am looking to just chat with someone I know or what ever I go to. I think we all do this.
Those who have or had the Myspace page which has been a rage for some years now has even given it up for this new page. Let's not forget Twitter too. Me I haven't yet got into this one as of yet. And I may not because frankly I don't have the time.
The difference I feel between these pages and the blogging ones is that there is no need to really think what you will put into the writings. And the pictures you will post. You just say something as if you were just talking to someone. And just post pictures like you would have in a picture album on your coffee table.
I think these pages are more for those who just want to read and talk back and forth with out just picking up a phone and calling the person or just simply e-mailing them. It can be just a simple statement or question.
I think people are getting so caught up in there day to day lives that they don't have the time to sit and think about what to write. It does take a bit of time.
Then there are those that just think that they can't write. And of course those that can't understand the writings of others. Because it takes to much time to either read between the lines or something.
My blog has never been one of great words of wisdom or advice in one manner or another. It's been filled with just feelings that I have felt due to life's play I guess would be the word that describes it best for me.
Basically it's just for me I guess to express my feelings and get them out of my head. And because I like to write.
And to communicate with one who is not able to call and talk.
Funny how life plays games with our brains. Things we think are so important to us is just mere writings that either make others laugh, cry, or sigh.
So to the next stage of things on this wide world of web. Have fun with it but remember that something else will pop up and take the place of these new wonders.
And to all those that keep blogging my hats off to you. You are a true breed.
I was told once by a friend of mine who I once tried to get to blog with me. She said that they reason she doesn't blog is that people get long winded and don't say what they mean by using short phrases and getting to the point.
Well if any one is like me it is hard to just write to the point. Because there are so many pictures in the brain and so many stories rambling there that it is hard to just put out something like I don't like chocolate chip cookies. I am the one person that has to go into depth and say just why I don't like them.
Does this make me a deep person. No I just have a way of describing things I see and feel. And sometime story telling time can be fun.
Just some more long winded thoughts of a brain that thinks way too much.....
If you are among all those that do the Facebook or Myspace or what ever if I have offended any of you. My deepest apologies.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Part 2 Memories
MEMORIES
Just looking at me like cat got your tongue or something. The song still plays but only in my head. So the only thing to do now would be go to the fridge and get ice for my drink.
Opening the freezer to retrieve ice the cold air stings my face and I feel something warm running down my chilled face. I know what it is. All I can think of no not now. Don’t do this to me right now I just can’t deal with this.
I can’t deal with the questions or the I told you so thing that always seem to come from everyone’s mouth. So I wipe my face quickly and try to form some kind of control..
I seem to get some kind of composure and continue to fix my drink. Slowly I take the drink in and even though it’s sweet to my tongue it seems to burn as I swallow.
Downing the first I quickly make another and walk over to sit down.
She looks at me as though to say why are you doing this to yourself? I just look at her and the words just seem to form and roll so easy and calm. “Hey I’ll be fine it’s ok really. You don’t have to stay here I am more than likely going to just have a couple of drinks and take a long hot bath and go to bed. I am really tired and tomorrow is yet another day and if I need you I’ll call. I promise!”
She just shook her head and asked me to promise. I said yes but really in my mind I knew and I think she also knew I wouldn’t call. These are the demons and the ghost I must face alone. No one can take the pain away. The only thing will do is time. And right now it’s time to cry and hurt.
So she finished her drink and she hugged me tight and told me sometimes things happen and we don’t know why. Even though we ask why me there is just no answers to the questions we ask. You just deal with it and then one day the light comes on and you will realize that what was once there was beautiful and you just hold on to that for what it is.
Then she left. Which I was so glad for that. Quickly I grabbed my phone and I pulled up the answering part and redone my leave a message.
Sorry that I can’t come to the phone right at this moment due to things out of my control I am taking some down time for my self. Please leave a message and sometime within the next day or two I’ll return the call. Have a grate day.
So with that out of the way my nightmare of the night begins. Or at least that what I thought.
I ran my bath hot water with bubbles and as I was doing this I had a memory cross my mind. And it made me smile even though the tears ran down my face. I recalled the very first bubble bath with him. We were drinking wine and he brought this cigar out to teach me how to smoke it. You draw it in but don’t inhale. Just let it sit on our tongue so you taste the cigar.
Well let me start off by saying I am a smoker and you don’t hand a cigar to a smoker and tell them don’t inhale. Because you know what they will inhale bigger than shit….lol…
Well I did. And no I didn’t get sick but I will tell you I got a buzz from it quicker than from the wine. But sitting in a bubble bath with my back up against him smoking my very first cigar was wonderful.
Bubble baths are great when you are sharing them with that special person. And what was great was all those times he took hot bubble baths with me he did it because he wanted to make me happy. The secret he was holding that he didn’t tell for sometime after was he really didn’t like bubble baths. That was wonderful.
After that memory hit me it was like the flood gates open and they all started coming to me. The more I sat there in that tub with the candles going and the music playing the more the gates opened and the floods came.
Maybe the first special memory was the way we met. However he still says I had on a pair of white shorts….lol. The funny thing is I never wore shorts out when I went clubbing. So if you read this no it wasn’t shorts it was white pants. (Actually they were white roper pants to be exact.)
The next memory was the first time I cooked dinner for him. Now let me say I hadn’t cooked in a long time. I didn’t have to. But when we agreed to have dinner and I was going to cook I went home after work and started throwing things together. Believe me I threw some things together.
Sausage with hamburger around it then bacon rapped around that and cooked in the over. It became the famous heart attack on a plate meal…lol…
But he ate it and said it was good. After that the meals did get better. And the more I cooked the more my skills started coming back. Now if you were to ever asked him or some of his friends that have had dinner with us …lol…. They would tell you that I am a great cook. Yeah good memories and to say another thing about cooking I always made enough to feed an army. The guys always liked it when he brought left over’s to work they ate really good then.
But there were times when he wouldn’t share these meals at all. He would tell me that it was his and he wasn’t sharing them.
Holidays well our holidays were always full of lots of great dishes. But this one was in a way some what funny.
It was Thanksgiving I think. Anyway I decided to make a goose for dinner. Now I never had ever made one of those before so this was something new to me. The first one actually got cooked too much and I really mean crispy done. So it was off to the butcher in a hurry to get another one to cook.
So then at dinner I told him I made goose. I knew by the way he looked that he might not like goose. So he did taste it and then he said. “ I really don’t like it but I will eat it.” So I told him if you don’t like it you don’t have to eat it. He told me why don’t you just get a roasted chicken and well have it instead. So after he went to sleep I threw it away in the garbage outside.
So after he went to work I went to work and the more I thought about it my feelings did get hurt. So what ended up happening was I started drinking with a couple of my friends at noon and by 3pm I was drunk.
Not just drunk but really drunk and hurt and by the time I got back to our place I was crying and very sick.
After passing out for a few hours and waking up. I still was under the influence somewhat it was time to go to Wally World to find a roasted chicken. They were all sold out. I think I finally went to Publix and ended up getting chicken fingers or wings. Then back to our place and try to get some order and dinner ready.
Well when he got home he knew I was recovering from a drunk. Needless to say I finally laughed at that it was a learning experience you never go out and buy a bird or any other thing unless you ask if they like what it is your thinking of fixing.
All these memories flood my brain from my heart. But the most touching ones that are very precious to me are the ones that will always stay there and every now and then they will pop in and say remember me.
Like the way he always looked into my eyes. He always took my breath away with those beautiful eyes. It was as if he was looking deep into my soul. The way he touched my face with his hands. They way he ran his fingers threw my hair and told me how soft it was and how good it smelled to him.
The way his lips were so soft and gentle but so passionate when he kissed me. Like taking me from this world into a completely different realm.
The smell of his skin always was so wonderful. Not the cologne he wore just his scent. It would grab me up and just pull me into him and I never wanted him to pull away.
The beat of his heart. No matter if he was behind me with his arms wrapped around me or me behind him with my hands on his strong chest. I could always feel his heart beat all the way through me. My heart would feel in and it would always catch his heart beat and begin to beat in rhythm with his.
(True love?) Some would say yes.
I loved to hear him laugh. I mean really laugh from his soul. I would say something stupid or something that he would find cute and he would laugh. He would tell me that I made him laugh so hard his face would hurt.
I loved to hear him laugh it made my heart race to see him so happy.
By now the candle is burning low and the water is starting to get cold so it a choice to escape this wonderful dream world and head for another bottle because this one is gone. And some warm cloths. Maybe a pair of his boxers and the long sleeve shirt that is his. I think I still have some cologne left of his that I can put sparingly on the shirt to just maybe catch me up once again into the dreams of the sweet memories.
Even if it’s just for a while where I can feel close to him and safe again. Maybe I can close my eyes and feel him next to me. The warmth from him and hear his whispers.
“You know I love you. You will always be here with me forever.”
“Right here.”
Then the thoughts of this popped into my head.
What are the things I miss the most about him. Well that list is going to be quite long and I hope I can find the words to put with that one.
We will see........
To be continued….
Just looking at me like cat got your tongue or something. The song still plays but only in my head. So the only thing to do now would be go to the fridge and get ice for my drink.
Opening the freezer to retrieve ice the cold air stings my face and I feel something warm running down my chilled face. I know what it is. All I can think of no not now. Don’t do this to me right now I just can’t deal with this.
I can’t deal with the questions or the I told you so thing that always seem to come from everyone’s mouth. So I wipe my face quickly and try to form some kind of control..
I seem to get some kind of composure and continue to fix my drink. Slowly I take the drink in and even though it’s sweet to my tongue it seems to burn as I swallow.
Downing the first I quickly make another and walk over to sit down.
She looks at me as though to say why are you doing this to yourself? I just look at her and the words just seem to form and roll so easy and calm. “Hey I’ll be fine it’s ok really. You don’t have to stay here I am more than likely going to just have a couple of drinks and take a long hot bath and go to bed. I am really tired and tomorrow is yet another day and if I need you I’ll call. I promise!”
She just shook her head and asked me to promise. I said yes but really in my mind I knew and I think she also knew I wouldn’t call. These are the demons and the ghost I must face alone. No one can take the pain away. The only thing will do is time. And right now it’s time to cry and hurt.
So she finished her drink and she hugged me tight and told me sometimes things happen and we don’t know why. Even though we ask why me there is just no answers to the questions we ask. You just deal with it and then one day the light comes on and you will realize that what was once there was beautiful and you just hold on to that for what it is.
Then she left. Which I was so glad for that. Quickly I grabbed my phone and I pulled up the answering part and redone my leave a message.
Sorry that I can’t come to the phone right at this moment due to things out of my control I am taking some down time for my self. Please leave a message and sometime within the next day or two I’ll return the call. Have a grate day.
So with that out of the way my nightmare of the night begins. Or at least that what I thought.
I ran my bath hot water with bubbles and as I was doing this I had a memory cross my mind. And it made me smile even though the tears ran down my face. I recalled the very first bubble bath with him. We were drinking wine and he brought this cigar out to teach me how to smoke it. You draw it in but don’t inhale. Just let it sit on our tongue so you taste the cigar.
Well let me start off by saying I am a smoker and you don’t hand a cigar to a smoker and tell them don’t inhale. Because you know what they will inhale bigger than shit….lol…
Well I did. And no I didn’t get sick but I will tell you I got a buzz from it quicker than from the wine. But sitting in a bubble bath with my back up against him smoking my very first cigar was wonderful.
Bubble baths are great when you are sharing them with that special person. And what was great was all those times he took hot bubble baths with me he did it because he wanted to make me happy. The secret he was holding that he didn’t tell for sometime after was he really didn’t like bubble baths. That was wonderful.
After that memory hit me it was like the flood gates open and they all started coming to me. The more I sat there in that tub with the candles going and the music playing the more the gates opened and the floods came.
Maybe the first special memory was the way we met. However he still says I had on a pair of white shorts….lol. The funny thing is I never wore shorts out when I went clubbing. So if you read this no it wasn’t shorts it was white pants. (Actually they were white roper pants to be exact.)
The next memory was the first time I cooked dinner for him. Now let me say I hadn’t cooked in a long time. I didn’t have to. But when we agreed to have dinner and I was going to cook I went home after work and started throwing things together. Believe me I threw some things together.
Sausage with hamburger around it then bacon rapped around that and cooked in the over. It became the famous heart attack on a plate meal…lol…
But he ate it and said it was good. After that the meals did get better. And the more I cooked the more my skills started coming back. Now if you were to ever asked him or some of his friends that have had dinner with us …lol…. They would tell you that I am a great cook. Yeah good memories and to say another thing about cooking I always made enough to feed an army. The guys always liked it when he brought left over’s to work they ate really good then.
But there were times when he wouldn’t share these meals at all. He would tell me that it was his and he wasn’t sharing them.
Holidays well our holidays were always full of lots of great dishes. But this one was in a way some what funny.
It was Thanksgiving I think. Anyway I decided to make a goose for dinner. Now I never had ever made one of those before so this was something new to me. The first one actually got cooked too much and I really mean crispy done. So it was off to the butcher in a hurry to get another one to cook.
So then at dinner I told him I made goose. I knew by the way he looked that he might not like goose. So he did taste it and then he said. “ I really don’t like it but I will eat it.” So I told him if you don’t like it you don’t have to eat it. He told me why don’t you just get a roasted chicken and well have it instead. So after he went to sleep I threw it away in the garbage outside.
So after he went to work I went to work and the more I thought about it my feelings did get hurt. So what ended up happening was I started drinking with a couple of my friends at noon and by 3pm I was drunk.
Not just drunk but really drunk and hurt and by the time I got back to our place I was crying and very sick.
After passing out for a few hours and waking up. I still was under the influence somewhat it was time to go to Wally World to find a roasted chicken. They were all sold out. I think I finally went to Publix and ended up getting chicken fingers or wings. Then back to our place and try to get some order and dinner ready.
Well when he got home he knew I was recovering from a drunk. Needless to say I finally laughed at that it was a learning experience you never go out and buy a bird or any other thing unless you ask if they like what it is your thinking of fixing.
All these memories flood my brain from my heart. But the most touching ones that are very precious to me are the ones that will always stay there and every now and then they will pop in and say remember me.
Like the way he always looked into my eyes. He always took my breath away with those beautiful eyes. It was as if he was looking deep into my soul. The way he touched my face with his hands. They way he ran his fingers threw my hair and told me how soft it was and how good it smelled to him.
The way his lips were so soft and gentle but so passionate when he kissed me. Like taking me from this world into a completely different realm.
The smell of his skin always was so wonderful. Not the cologne he wore just his scent. It would grab me up and just pull me into him and I never wanted him to pull away.
The beat of his heart. No matter if he was behind me with his arms wrapped around me or me behind him with my hands on his strong chest. I could always feel his heart beat all the way through me. My heart would feel in and it would always catch his heart beat and begin to beat in rhythm with his.
(True love?) Some would say yes.
I loved to hear him laugh. I mean really laugh from his soul. I would say something stupid or something that he would find cute and he would laugh. He would tell me that I made him laugh so hard his face would hurt.
I loved to hear him laugh it made my heart race to see him so happy.
By now the candle is burning low and the water is starting to get cold so it a choice to escape this wonderful dream world and head for another bottle because this one is gone. And some warm cloths. Maybe a pair of his boxers and the long sleeve shirt that is his. I think I still have some cologne left of his that I can put sparingly on the shirt to just maybe catch me up once again into the dreams of the sweet memories.
Even if it’s just for a while where I can feel close to him and safe again. Maybe I can close my eyes and feel him next to me. The warmth from him and hear his whispers.
“You know I love you. You will always be here with me forever.”
“Right here.”
Then the thoughts of this popped into my head.
What are the things I miss the most about him. Well that list is going to be quite long and I hope I can find the words to put with that one.
We will see........
To be continued….
Monday, April 20, 2009
Look at me and tell me what you see (part 1)
And the story starts. Where it goes no one knows.
Question will the pain stop or do I have to feel this way for ever?
Question what did I do to have to feel this pain once again?
Sometimes you just need to get it out of your head. The feelings the ghost that haunts you inside.
But I have been told that there are some haunts that never leave. And they are never satisfied until they take your last breath....
So many questions and you wonder if there will ever be any answers.......
So the story starts.
The Pain Sometimes It Never Ends.
Wednesday this had gotten to be my only day. A very special day the excitement that runs through my body was so intense. The pull to just go and knock on the door. And when the door opens just wrap my arms around him and kiss him so deeply.
Another hard day and knowing there will come more days like this. Never ending torment to my heart and mind.
I have to work now before now I didn’t work on this day. So I get dressed trying to push the thoughts from my mind of him. How his touch was so soft and his kiss so sweet.
How it felt to be in his arms and that time seemed to just stand stills while we were together. All I want to do is just run to him. But work is there. My mind is spinning and I hear his voice so clear. Calling my name. Telling me I do love you and will always love you. You’ll always be right here with me.
My heart hurts so much it feels as if it is being ripped from my chest. This pain that takes your breath away. This pain that just shuts the body down making it not want for anything. Nothing but one thing. To be with him.
Then the phone rings maybe just maybe? I pick it up and look at the number no not the one. It’s my friend calling to see if I want to have a drink when I get off work tonight. She knows that something is up with me. My mind thinking you are a stupid girl did you really think that was him calling you. So you take a deep breath and fight back the tears that want to over take you. The breath that comes is so hard to come. Things spin and you know you have to get some control.
So the words slide off your tongue yes that would be fine I should be done by 10pm.
So you get ready and follow the motion put on a smile and go to work and don’t let anyone know just how much you are hurting inside.
Besides there just may be a chance that the phone will ring and he will be on the other end. Yeah I know false hope, faith in what that love wins in the end. You tell me because I really don’t know ant more. Everything I believed in, everything I had faith in. Just slipped right through my fingers. Just take a deep breath and take it one minute at a time.
Remember it’s only your old friend that has returned to visit yet once again. To remind you that you just are not allowed to be happy and laugh in your face yet once again. Fight the tears don’t let them come. Don’t let them see you cry. Don’t allow them to know you hurt. Remember the numbness will come and all feeling will go away soon.
This night is going to last forever I thought to my self as I drove to work. I really didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to be around any one. Specially people that come where I work to drink and have their fun. I really didn’t want to put that fake smile on my face and pretend again. What I really wanted to do is stay in my apartment and drink and just cry. The booze will take the edge off it for just a little while.
It’s just the beginning you been there before remember.
The only question that comes to my mind to haunt me over and over again. How could you be so stupid to believe you were so special.
The routine at work just takes over and the needs and wants of others took over and you do the job and wait for the time to end so you can just get out and breath the night air.
The darkness is your true friend it engulfs you and hides you keeping you safe from others.
You know you have two large bottles back at the house but will that be enough this time? So you stop at the bar down the road and even though you really don’t want to go in you go. It will only be a few minutes in and out. And you hope you don’t see any one you know there that will distract you from what you have to do.
Your mind whispers you have time. You have all the time in the world now. There will be no phone call for you to come. So you open the door and walk in with the thought in your mind if anyone ask you can’t stay you have to be some where soon. Just tell the one behind the bar you need two bottles of what has become your favorite drink. Parrot Bay but this time you don’t need the lime to take the edge off of it. You want it to bite you and let you know it’s there. Besides you have that full bottle of Patrone in the fridge along with the other two bottles at the house.
She smiles at you as you ask her to give you what you want. Where have you been haven’t seen you in a while? Just small talk made you just want to get what you want and get out. Leave her a tip on the bar and say something like have to run meeting some friends talk to you later and then out in the night once again.
Pulling up to the apartment you see your friend sitting there in her truck waiting. She knows something is going on and she will sit there and drink with you and listen. But you know that nothing anyone dose won’t fix it. There is only one human on this earth that can take this that you feel away right now. But that won’t happen so the bottles will have to do.
The small talk that starts as you get out of your car. Hey it will be alright you know. You’re a strong person. There is another day and you’ll survive this my friend. All I could do was look at her and say are you ready to drink or what? Because as of right now I don’t want to talk all I want to do is drink.
So all she does is smile and you know what’s going through her head right about now. It won’t take long she’ll get drunk and pass out soon. No sleep last night and nothing to eat all day. It will hit her like a load of bricks and in about 2 hours she will be passed out and you cover her up with a blanket and let her sleep.
Funny thing is everyone thinks they really know me. They think that I am just one of those who is simple minded fools. The problem with this is those who are around me now didn’t know me back then.
They didn’t see the person I was over 6 years ago when I could drink like a fish. When I could dink any one under the table. When drinking was like breathing. Oh I remember those days all to well. Up at 6am go to work get off at 5 then hit happy hour and then go home get dressed and go out. Drink until the place closed and then go home and have a couple more and finally sleep would over take me.
But hey the body and the mind was numb. No feelings and no thoughts either. Then up again at dawn and start all over again.
Now what comes to mind is what he said to me. “I saved you. I saved you from destruction”. For what so later down the road you could just wipe your hands of me and turn me lose to try again? Just off set it for a while? Or maybe just teach me that happiness is nothing but a dream that is out of reach for me? So many questions run through my mind.
She calls my name out loud and we go inside. Wow just how much are you intending to drink tonight. Or are you just stocking up for something and then that simple laugh slips over her lips.
All I could say was well lets see. If you have some place to be then go I’ll be alright. But she knows if she leaves now there will be no turning back and she can’t go. She needs to feed like the wild dogs feed on their kill.
That’s the problem with people. They like to feed on others pain. They sit there and watch and listen and some where in their brains they have all the answers for you. They can fix everything for others but in their own simple little lives they can’t fix their own problems. Maybe just maybe it is just a diversion for them. Taking their minds off what haunts them for just a short time. Or maybe it’s just something for them to be able to say wow my life isn’t so bad at all.
The need to feed on others pain………….
Walking into my place I flip on the light and sit the bottles on the table I her words but I’m really not listening to what they are. Then she calls my name. She changed things around in here. All I could say as I walk towards the bedroom to change out of my work cloths was yes about 6 times last night after work.
Looks good it really does. Well it was something to do and I couldn’t sleep any way.
I grab for something to throw on and I realize it’s his shirt. The one that has his school mascot on it and the writing of about once a, always a. And I remember when I got that shirt. And it starts. I run my hand across the front of it and I fill the tears swell in my eyes. Not yet you wont come yet I tell them. The I grab a pair of his boxer briefs and slide them up over my legs and think of how many times he had wore them and how he use to say I looked in his underwear. I had told him so many times that his cloths made me feel closer to him when he was gone.
Coming out of my room she sat there just waiting. All I could say are you ready for a drink? She smiled and nodded her head yeah but you know if I drink with you I will have to stay here. The answer that left me was that is fine there is a spare room everything you need is in there. Just go in and go to sleep when ever you want.
I really didn’t care sorry but I didn’t. She could stay or she could go it really didn’t matter to me right now. I had a mission and no one was talking me out of it. I looked at her and asked her if she wanted what I had to drink or did she bring her own. Her response was I have my own bottle and I brought my coke with me too.
I walked into the kitchen and opened the cabinet door and pulled out the typical rocks glasses out and filled them with ice. Your on your own now you make yours I am off duty now and besides I don’t think you really want me to make your drink. Because if I do you will be out in maybe 3 drinks. All she could do is laugh. But it was the truth. I could have her drunk in 3 drinks and maybe 6 or 7 she would be really to go to sleep then I could be alone.
Alone a word that has a great meaning to me now. So true, so true.
I crack the first bottle open and tilt it where it’s contents pours over the ice into the glass. The smell from it so sweet and yet it brings back memories also. My computer of a brain has so many of them stored inside of it. File after file in there with no delete button to push to purge it of all the precious memories I held on to for so many years.
My mind thinks of him and how he would be sleeping right now. Sleeping without a care in his life. So peaceful with no worry at all. And here I am ready to continue yet another night without sleep unless this old friend of mine that I hold in my hand decides that it will help me sleep.
Sleep another memory flashes through my brain. Yeah this is around about the time when we are laying down together. Snuggling up close to each other. I can feel his body pull close to me and feel his hand slid across my side where it finally rest on my breast taking it in his hand and holding onto it as he had did so many times when we would get ready to sleep. I can even feel the heat that comes from him on my back and a chill goes threw me.
I sigh and take pull the drink towards my lips as I fight once again to hold back the tears. Knowing if they come now there is no hope for me tonight. I will cry and cry until the breath in my lungs will be grasping. I will then again lose.
I think to my self just how much I hate my self and that yet again I allowed someone into my life to what in the end tear me apart and crush me, but this time it is different. This time I was broken. Something that the two before couldn’t manage to do. But yet this one was able to finish what they others couldn’t do. I think to my self there is no hope for me.
I walk over to the small table and turn the radio on. Music even though it’s not what I need right now. Because more than likely there will be some song that comes up that we listen to or that will remind me of him and something we shared. But I really don’t want to talk to her yet. I am not ready to open up as of yet to let her or any one else see the inside where all the pain is stored.
The need to feed on others pain……. I really don’t want to feed it yet. I see it in her eyes. They twinkle and the slight smile she has on her face as if to say. “Go a head tell me, spill your heart and gut out. Right here on the table in front of me. Let it all out. And once your done I’ll tell you just how stupid you are for trusting and believing and then when no more words could come to mind to make you fill any worse. Then I’ll leave and by tomorrow I will have told everyone that knows you just how pitiful you were last night and all because of what a man.
Then it comes I hear the tune and right away I know the song and I think fuck me. I look up at her and say you know you really don’t have to stay here and baby sit me. I will be alright you know. But the only response that comes is no that’s what friends are for. That shoulder to cry on and blab, blab, blab……
The songs takes over where her voice was and it grabs a hold of you and sucks you in. You don’t want to turn it off because then you will have to talk. Or listen to just how all the answers are right in front of you and they have been there for all this time.
Did you really think you were the only one? That question caught my attention.
The words to the song strike out at me strong and hard. Sticking the blade so deep it takes my breath.
“Need to know, don’t want to know, already know.
I seen the signs. I watched you as you pulled yourself away from me.
“Can’t believe, I want to believe, I can not believe.
Your making me doubt, I thought I knew you, I don’t even know myself.
I’m losing faith, I’m losing faith.
Your breaking my heart, breaking my heart, your breaking my heart again.
Don’t ask me to start, ask me to start, don’t ask me to start again.
Start again.
I want to fight, afraid to fight, why don’t I fight to make you see.
I hold my breath and disappear inside my self.
I’m losing strength, I’m losing strength.
Your breaking my heart, breaking my heart, your breaking my heart again.
Don’t ask me to start, ask me to start, don’t ask me to start again.
Start again.
Your breaking my heart, breaking my heart, your breaking my heart again.
Don’t ask me to start, ask me to start, don’t ask me to start again.
Start again.
No, oh no.
Losing you, I’m losing you.
Losing you, I’m losing you.
(Aqualung is the artist)
The words of her are muffled out and she just sits there looking at me like I was just an idiot.
To be contuined.........
Question will the pain stop or do I have to feel this way for ever?
Question what did I do to have to feel this pain once again?
Sometimes you just need to get it out of your head. The feelings the ghost that haunts you inside.
But I have been told that there are some haunts that never leave. And they are never satisfied until they take your last breath....
So many questions and you wonder if there will ever be any answers.......
So the story starts.
The Pain Sometimes It Never Ends.
Wednesday this had gotten to be my only day. A very special day the excitement that runs through my body was so intense. The pull to just go and knock on the door. And when the door opens just wrap my arms around him and kiss him so deeply.
Another hard day and knowing there will come more days like this. Never ending torment to my heart and mind.
I have to work now before now I didn’t work on this day. So I get dressed trying to push the thoughts from my mind of him. How his touch was so soft and his kiss so sweet.
How it felt to be in his arms and that time seemed to just stand stills while we were together. All I want to do is just run to him. But work is there. My mind is spinning and I hear his voice so clear. Calling my name. Telling me I do love you and will always love you. You’ll always be right here with me.
My heart hurts so much it feels as if it is being ripped from my chest. This pain that takes your breath away. This pain that just shuts the body down making it not want for anything. Nothing but one thing. To be with him.
Then the phone rings maybe just maybe? I pick it up and look at the number no not the one. It’s my friend calling to see if I want to have a drink when I get off work tonight. She knows that something is up with me. My mind thinking you are a stupid girl did you really think that was him calling you. So you take a deep breath and fight back the tears that want to over take you. The breath that comes is so hard to come. Things spin and you know you have to get some control.
So the words slide off your tongue yes that would be fine I should be done by 10pm.
So you get ready and follow the motion put on a smile and go to work and don’t let anyone know just how much you are hurting inside.
Besides there just may be a chance that the phone will ring and he will be on the other end. Yeah I know false hope, faith in what that love wins in the end. You tell me because I really don’t know ant more. Everything I believed in, everything I had faith in. Just slipped right through my fingers. Just take a deep breath and take it one minute at a time.
Remember it’s only your old friend that has returned to visit yet once again. To remind you that you just are not allowed to be happy and laugh in your face yet once again. Fight the tears don’t let them come. Don’t let them see you cry. Don’t allow them to know you hurt. Remember the numbness will come and all feeling will go away soon.
This night is going to last forever I thought to my self as I drove to work. I really didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to be around any one. Specially people that come where I work to drink and have their fun. I really didn’t want to put that fake smile on my face and pretend again. What I really wanted to do is stay in my apartment and drink and just cry. The booze will take the edge off it for just a little while.
It’s just the beginning you been there before remember.
The only question that comes to my mind to haunt me over and over again. How could you be so stupid to believe you were so special.
The routine at work just takes over and the needs and wants of others took over and you do the job and wait for the time to end so you can just get out and breath the night air.
The darkness is your true friend it engulfs you and hides you keeping you safe from others.
You know you have two large bottles back at the house but will that be enough this time? So you stop at the bar down the road and even though you really don’t want to go in you go. It will only be a few minutes in and out. And you hope you don’t see any one you know there that will distract you from what you have to do.
Your mind whispers you have time. You have all the time in the world now. There will be no phone call for you to come. So you open the door and walk in with the thought in your mind if anyone ask you can’t stay you have to be some where soon. Just tell the one behind the bar you need two bottles of what has become your favorite drink. Parrot Bay but this time you don’t need the lime to take the edge off of it. You want it to bite you and let you know it’s there. Besides you have that full bottle of Patrone in the fridge along with the other two bottles at the house.
She smiles at you as you ask her to give you what you want. Where have you been haven’t seen you in a while? Just small talk made you just want to get what you want and get out. Leave her a tip on the bar and say something like have to run meeting some friends talk to you later and then out in the night once again.
Pulling up to the apartment you see your friend sitting there in her truck waiting. She knows something is going on and she will sit there and drink with you and listen. But you know that nothing anyone dose won’t fix it. There is only one human on this earth that can take this that you feel away right now. But that won’t happen so the bottles will have to do.
The small talk that starts as you get out of your car. Hey it will be alright you know. You’re a strong person. There is another day and you’ll survive this my friend. All I could do was look at her and say are you ready to drink or what? Because as of right now I don’t want to talk all I want to do is drink.
So all she does is smile and you know what’s going through her head right about now. It won’t take long she’ll get drunk and pass out soon. No sleep last night and nothing to eat all day. It will hit her like a load of bricks and in about 2 hours she will be passed out and you cover her up with a blanket and let her sleep.
Funny thing is everyone thinks they really know me. They think that I am just one of those who is simple minded fools. The problem with this is those who are around me now didn’t know me back then.
They didn’t see the person I was over 6 years ago when I could drink like a fish. When I could dink any one under the table. When drinking was like breathing. Oh I remember those days all to well. Up at 6am go to work get off at 5 then hit happy hour and then go home get dressed and go out. Drink until the place closed and then go home and have a couple more and finally sleep would over take me.
But hey the body and the mind was numb. No feelings and no thoughts either. Then up again at dawn and start all over again.
Now what comes to mind is what he said to me. “I saved you. I saved you from destruction”. For what so later down the road you could just wipe your hands of me and turn me lose to try again? Just off set it for a while? Or maybe just teach me that happiness is nothing but a dream that is out of reach for me? So many questions run through my mind.
She calls my name out loud and we go inside. Wow just how much are you intending to drink tonight. Or are you just stocking up for something and then that simple laugh slips over her lips.
All I could say was well lets see. If you have some place to be then go I’ll be alright. But she knows if she leaves now there will be no turning back and she can’t go. She needs to feed like the wild dogs feed on their kill.
That’s the problem with people. They like to feed on others pain. They sit there and watch and listen and some where in their brains they have all the answers for you. They can fix everything for others but in their own simple little lives they can’t fix their own problems. Maybe just maybe it is just a diversion for them. Taking their minds off what haunts them for just a short time. Or maybe it’s just something for them to be able to say wow my life isn’t so bad at all.
The need to feed on others pain………….
Walking into my place I flip on the light and sit the bottles on the table I her words but I’m really not listening to what they are. Then she calls my name. She changed things around in here. All I could say as I walk towards the bedroom to change out of my work cloths was yes about 6 times last night after work.
Looks good it really does. Well it was something to do and I couldn’t sleep any way.
I grab for something to throw on and I realize it’s his shirt. The one that has his school mascot on it and the writing of about once a, always a. And I remember when I got that shirt. And it starts. I run my hand across the front of it and I fill the tears swell in my eyes. Not yet you wont come yet I tell them. The I grab a pair of his boxer briefs and slide them up over my legs and think of how many times he had wore them and how he use to say I looked in his underwear. I had told him so many times that his cloths made me feel closer to him when he was gone.
Coming out of my room she sat there just waiting. All I could say are you ready for a drink? She smiled and nodded her head yeah but you know if I drink with you I will have to stay here. The answer that left me was that is fine there is a spare room everything you need is in there. Just go in and go to sleep when ever you want.
I really didn’t care sorry but I didn’t. She could stay or she could go it really didn’t matter to me right now. I had a mission and no one was talking me out of it. I looked at her and asked her if she wanted what I had to drink or did she bring her own. Her response was I have my own bottle and I brought my coke with me too.
I walked into the kitchen and opened the cabinet door and pulled out the typical rocks glasses out and filled them with ice. Your on your own now you make yours I am off duty now and besides I don’t think you really want me to make your drink. Because if I do you will be out in maybe 3 drinks. All she could do is laugh. But it was the truth. I could have her drunk in 3 drinks and maybe 6 or 7 she would be really to go to sleep then I could be alone.
Alone a word that has a great meaning to me now. So true, so true.
I crack the first bottle open and tilt it where it’s contents pours over the ice into the glass. The smell from it so sweet and yet it brings back memories also. My computer of a brain has so many of them stored inside of it. File after file in there with no delete button to push to purge it of all the precious memories I held on to for so many years.
My mind thinks of him and how he would be sleeping right now. Sleeping without a care in his life. So peaceful with no worry at all. And here I am ready to continue yet another night without sleep unless this old friend of mine that I hold in my hand decides that it will help me sleep.
Sleep another memory flashes through my brain. Yeah this is around about the time when we are laying down together. Snuggling up close to each other. I can feel his body pull close to me and feel his hand slid across my side where it finally rest on my breast taking it in his hand and holding onto it as he had did so many times when we would get ready to sleep. I can even feel the heat that comes from him on my back and a chill goes threw me.
I sigh and take pull the drink towards my lips as I fight once again to hold back the tears. Knowing if they come now there is no hope for me tonight. I will cry and cry until the breath in my lungs will be grasping. I will then again lose.
I think to my self just how much I hate my self and that yet again I allowed someone into my life to what in the end tear me apart and crush me, but this time it is different. This time I was broken. Something that the two before couldn’t manage to do. But yet this one was able to finish what they others couldn’t do. I think to my self there is no hope for me.
I walk over to the small table and turn the radio on. Music even though it’s not what I need right now. Because more than likely there will be some song that comes up that we listen to or that will remind me of him and something we shared. But I really don’t want to talk to her yet. I am not ready to open up as of yet to let her or any one else see the inside where all the pain is stored.
The need to feed on others pain……. I really don’t want to feed it yet. I see it in her eyes. They twinkle and the slight smile she has on her face as if to say. “Go a head tell me, spill your heart and gut out. Right here on the table in front of me. Let it all out. And once your done I’ll tell you just how stupid you are for trusting and believing and then when no more words could come to mind to make you fill any worse. Then I’ll leave and by tomorrow I will have told everyone that knows you just how pitiful you were last night and all because of what a man.
Then it comes I hear the tune and right away I know the song and I think fuck me. I look up at her and say you know you really don’t have to stay here and baby sit me. I will be alright you know. But the only response that comes is no that’s what friends are for. That shoulder to cry on and blab, blab, blab……
The songs takes over where her voice was and it grabs a hold of you and sucks you in. You don’t want to turn it off because then you will have to talk. Or listen to just how all the answers are right in front of you and they have been there for all this time.
Did you really think you were the only one? That question caught my attention.
The words to the song strike out at me strong and hard. Sticking the blade so deep it takes my breath.
“Need to know, don’t want to know, already know.
I seen the signs. I watched you as you pulled yourself away from me.
“Can’t believe, I want to believe, I can not believe.
Your making me doubt, I thought I knew you, I don’t even know myself.
I’m losing faith, I’m losing faith.
Your breaking my heart, breaking my heart, your breaking my heart again.
Don’t ask me to start, ask me to start, don’t ask me to start again.
Start again.
I want to fight, afraid to fight, why don’t I fight to make you see.
I hold my breath and disappear inside my self.
I’m losing strength, I’m losing strength.
Your breaking my heart, breaking my heart, your breaking my heart again.
Don’t ask me to start, ask me to start, don’t ask me to start again.
Start again.
Your breaking my heart, breaking my heart, your breaking my heart again.
Don’t ask me to start, ask me to start, don’t ask me to start again.
Start again.
No, oh no.
Losing you, I’m losing you.
Losing you, I’m losing you.
(Aqualung is the artist)
The words of her are muffled out and she just sits there looking at me like I was just an idiot.
To be contuined.........
Thursday, April 16, 2009
No Pictures just simple Thoughts with some regrets
Well it has been sometime since I have wrote here. But as we all know those who have to work and how life is we forget about something’s because other’s become a little important. Well first off I want to wish anyone that still comes by this space happy holidays the ones I have missed and I wish you all are well and happy.
Well lets see so many things and don’t really know where to begin.
Health wise as you can see I am still kicking and screaming lol. Taking two tiny little pills a day. One in the am and one in the pm. Wow here most people get up looking forwards to breakfast. As for me it’s a pill and a night as some of you stand there brushing your teeth, which for all purposes I do brush my teeth lol…. But then it’s yet another pill then a shot I give myself before settling down to read or do some work around my place waiting for sleep to decide to come visit. Well I don’t sleep that much as you can see.
I like sitting out side sometimes between the early hours of 2am and 4am. It’s nice and cool but it is so very peaceful. You can still see the stars twinkle and even on the nights the moon is full and bright you can sometimes see it slowly move across the night sky. And I make my wish upon the man in the moon.
I have been working quite a bit lately 6pm till 10pm sometimes till 12pm five nights a week making drinks for those who need to have something to make them happy or something like that.
The thing is since I am a bartender I have also acquired the position of being the shoulder to cry on lol…
Not that there is anything wrong with it but when you listen to some of the things people have to say and you see and hear about others that are in worse shape you wonder.
Well I guess that and some other things got me thinking. And let me be the first one to say I am truly my own worse enemy. That’s a fact. I judge my self more harshly than any one could ever. I won’t go into that story on how I managed to acquire that trait.
And yet another one I have is not really saying things sometimes like they should be said. Sometimes things comes out not like I meant them if you know what I am saying.
So if by chance people that really know me and the complexity of my mind well I hope they understand and kind of just giggle. Oh yeah there will be those that say oh shit she is on the run again. And maybe there may be a friend out there that knows me well enough that a tear may fall. But all I can say is please don’t cry. For I have cried enough tears for everyone.
And if what I am saying touches your heart then just say some little prayer that I find what I am looking for.
But only those will understand and know just how I really feel inside. Because I am one of those people that tend to keep the feeling thing bottled up as long as possible.
And when it can no longer stay inside in runs out.
I turned forty-seven this year. WOW can’t lie and turn that number around. And yes some girl friends took me out for it. The funny thing was I didn’t really want any gifts from anyone I just wanted to get drunk, fall down, puke and then pass out.
I guess I should start at the beginning.
A bunch of us girls had planned to go to the St. Paddy’s Day Madrigal thing they have in Georgia. A weekend with the girls having some fun and doing something different. Well since I am technically single and a couple of the girls weren’t their husbands had a slight problem with that plan. So it got canceled. Then we planned to go over to the coast. Well they didn’t except that either.
So it almost came down to me doing this birthday thing alone.
And really the number wasn’t at all depressing it was the fact that I was more than likely going to spend it all alone. So I was somewhat depressed about that.
That’s when one of my friends decided that a night of drinking at the local bars would have to do. So that’s what we done. All in all it was alright and I did have some fun and I did accomplish what I set out to do. (Get drunk. Puke and pass out.)
The next morning as I laid in my bed thinking of what has come out of all the years I have been here I wondered about a lot of things.
First off and I guess this got me rolling down a path that I never really thought of.
What happens in the end?
Big question I know. I sit there and think of my friends that have husbands and yes even boyfriends and I then look at my self and wonder where did I go wrong at.
I did have someone in my life but he was in and out like a bird taking flight sometimes.
When he was here he was the best thing I ever had. He made me laugh, he held me when I cried all the wonderful things you look for he was in fact that.
We were also close and talked about everything and anything with each other. He told me I was a free spirit and that he had never in his life ever seen anyone as caring or as giving as I was. Wonderful right.
Well we had been seeing each other for many years. Even marriage was brought up a few times but for some reason I could not take a promise from someone that really wasn’t in a position to give it so I said no.
The last and finally time it was offered he laid there next to me and said “I must have miss understood what you wanted”. All I could say was you can’t promise me something that you can’t really give honestly. And if he is reading this he will know what I am saying.
After that point the relationship was still strong but things did change. There has been many times I wished I could have gone back to that first time and said yes, yes I love you and I would be proud to be your wife. However you can’t go back and all the wishing just won’t change what the answer did that I gave to him.
And I think of how it may have hurt or disappointed him even if he wouldn’t admit it now.
The times we were together were so wonderful there would be no words to put out to really say what we had together.
But as in life things change and people get into a what you would say rut. I then became what some would say backseat. Other things became important and then he was leaving town to work other places and things kind of lighten up.
Of course when he was here things were wonderful and full of passion and WOW our sex life was awesome. He use to always tell me he loved me, look into my eyes and say all the wonderful things that we all wish for.
Then things changed he now started telling me you know I love you and I will always love you. However I don’t have to say it all the time.
Then it got to where when he was going to leave he wouldn’t even pick up the phone and say “hey I have to go out of town to work not sure when I’ll be back” nothing, nothing at all.
Times I have made dinner and to find out he wasn’t in town after plans were made.
It just got to where my feelings didn’t seem to matter.
I have thought so many times that maybe it was because of what I said to him those few times he asked me to marry him. Was this a punishment I was going to have to endure this for as long as I loved this man?
So many deep thoughts haunt my brain as I lay there at nights trying and fighting for sleep.
So many times this man has asked me “what is it you want“? And never have I been able to really tell him what it is I truly want. You say fear yes that is part of it.
Fear that if I tell him then there will be the ultimate rejection of all. So I kept my mouth shut and just went with the flow and seen him when I could and sat alone at night when he was gone wishing and hoping for his return to come soon.
Things that we shared became very valuable to me. The cards he had gave me early in the relationship where I could read what he had wrote of the love we had and how special it was.
The boxer briefs that was his I use to wear around and still do even though they have become some what thinning. The shirts of his I use to wear that had his cologne on them. So I could smell him close to me in his absents.
His socks I use to wear to keep my feet warm because I was the one who always got cold. The heart bracelet he picked out and gave to me for a birthday.
Now that is all I have. That and the memories of his arms wrapped so tight around me. The memories of all those nights of him saying to me “we fit together as one so perfect” as we laid in each others arms getting ready for sleep. And how he use to say my breast felt so wonderful pressed up against his back before we feel to sleep.
Well recently we had a chance to see each other and to talk. Well I mostly talked because that is what I do when I get nervous talk. He told me that we are friends but however he can’t see me any more. I sat there looking at him fighting back the tears and then brining up something to change the subject so that when the first tear did fall and roll down my cheek he wouldn’t know what they were really from.
Then the question came again. “What is it you want?”
All the babbling of when the end comes for me who is going to be there for me? Who is going to hold my hand and whisper they love me as the lights slowly dims?
Just babbling along.
All I could say was…. All I want is to be happy.
Which is true but it wasn’t all that I wanted to say to him.
It’s not about just being happy, but what I want is to be with you. I want to be happy with you. I do love you with every inch of my being.
But I just couldn’t get the words to come out yet once again. So as I was leaving he put his arms around me and held me tight not too many words were spoken. I wanted to tell him I loved him but I bit my tongue instead.
All I could whisper to him was I want you to be happy.
So if you do read this the love of my life. The only piece of my heart that I had. I gave to you still remains with you. There will never be another man in this life to fill the shoes you wore.
There will never be another man that will see me for me and will laugh at my inner child that likes to jump on the bed or play in the rain.
One in a million years a flower blooms with extraordinary colors. This flower opens from the touch of love. The sweet smell fills the night air and lingers for some time.
You find that when you pass you can still smell the sweetness and you wonder if the flower still blooms how could it be.
But the flower has passed and the bloom is no longer there it’s only the sweet memory you have of it’s beauty and the memory of it’s sweet kiss.
So yes in the end I will be alone in body. No one to hold my hand. No one to kiss my lips grasping for breath. No one to tell me I love you and you were the best thing that ever came into my life.
However when it is my time to go I will think of all those wonderful years that I have loved and been loved by you. Even though there weren’t many they still were the best and most loving few years I had. You made me laugh, when others couldn‘t. You taught me to love when I thought I couldn’t. You made be believe again when there was no reason to.
Thank you my dear sweet friend. Thank you my love. I do and will always love you till that final day and then I will take that love with me. And by chance if there is another time I get to come back around I will search for you again and share it with you once more.
I love you was the words I wanted to say to you before I walked out the door.
I love you so very much and will always have you in my heart.
I wish you love and so much happiness. When you are out at night and you see that big bright beautiful full moon. Think of me and all my love is with you.
As Always You Know !
Well lets see so many things and don’t really know where to begin.
Health wise as you can see I am still kicking and screaming lol. Taking two tiny little pills a day. One in the am and one in the pm. Wow here most people get up looking forwards to breakfast. As for me it’s a pill and a night as some of you stand there brushing your teeth, which for all purposes I do brush my teeth lol…. But then it’s yet another pill then a shot I give myself before settling down to read or do some work around my place waiting for sleep to decide to come visit. Well I don’t sleep that much as you can see.
I like sitting out side sometimes between the early hours of 2am and 4am. It’s nice and cool but it is so very peaceful. You can still see the stars twinkle and even on the nights the moon is full and bright you can sometimes see it slowly move across the night sky. And I make my wish upon the man in the moon.
I have been working quite a bit lately 6pm till 10pm sometimes till 12pm five nights a week making drinks for those who need to have something to make them happy or something like that.
The thing is since I am a bartender I have also acquired the position of being the shoulder to cry on lol…
Not that there is anything wrong with it but when you listen to some of the things people have to say and you see and hear about others that are in worse shape you wonder.
Well I guess that and some other things got me thinking. And let me be the first one to say I am truly my own worse enemy. That’s a fact. I judge my self more harshly than any one could ever. I won’t go into that story on how I managed to acquire that trait.
And yet another one I have is not really saying things sometimes like they should be said. Sometimes things comes out not like I meant them if you know what I am saying.
So if by chance people that really know me and the complexity of my mind well I hope they understand and kind of just giggle. Oh yeah there will be those that say oh shit she is on the run again. And maybe there may be a friend out there that knows me well enough that a tear may fall. But all I can say is please don’t cry. For I have cried enough tears for everyone.
And if what I am saying touches your heart then just say some little prayer that I find what I am looking for.
But only those will understand and know just how I really feel inside. Because I am one of those people that tend to keep the feeling thing bottled up as long as possible.
And when it can no longer stay inside in runs out.
I turned forty-seven this year. WOW can’t lie and turn that number around. And yes some girl friends took me out for it. The funny thing was I didn’t really want any gifts from anyone I just wanted to get drunk, fall down, puke and then pass out.
I guess I should start at the beginning.
A bunch of us girls had planned to go to the St. Paddy’s Day Madrigal thing they have in Georgia. A weekend with the girls having some fun and doing something different. Well since I am technically single and a couple of the girls weren’t their husbands had a slight problem with that plan. So it got canceled. Then we planned to go over to the coast. Well they didn’t except that either.
So it almost came down to me doing this birthday thing alone.
And really the number wasn’t at all depressing it was the fact that I was more than likely going to spend it all alone. So I was somewhat depressed about that.
That’s when one of my friends decided that a night of drinking at the local bars would have to do. So that’s what we done. All in all it was alright and I did have some fun and I did accomplish what I set out to do. (Get drunk. Puke and pass out.)
The next morning as I laid in my bed thinking of what has come out of all the years I have been here I wondered about a lot of things.
First off and I guess this got me rolling down a path that I never really thought of.
What happens in the end?
Big question I know. I sit there and think of my friends that have husbands and yes even boyfriends and I then look at my self and wonder where did I go wrong at.
I did have someone in my life but he was in and out like a bird taking flight sometimes.
When he was here he was the best thing I ever had. He made me laugh, he held me when I cried all the wonderful things you look for he was in fact that.
We were also close and talked about everything and anything with each other. He told me I was a free spirit and that he had never in his life ever seen anyone as caring or as giving as I was. Wonderful right.
Well we had been seeing each other for many years. Even marriage was brought up a few times but for some reason I could not take a promise from someone that really wasn’t in a position to give it so I said no.
The last and finally time it was offered he laid there next to me and said “I must have miss understood what you wanted”. All I could say was you can’t promise me something that you can’t really give honestly. And if he is reading this he will know what I am saying.
After that point the relationship was still strong but things did change. There has been many times I wished I could have gone back to that first time and said yes, yes I love you and I would be proud to be your wife. However you can’t go back and all the wishing just won’t change what the answer did that I gave to him.
And I think of how it may have hurt or disappointed him even if he wouldn’t admit it now.
The times we were together were so wonderful there would be no words to put out to really say what we had together.
But as in life things change and people get into a what you would say rut. I then became what some would say backseat. Other things became important and then he was leaving town to work other places and things kind of lighten up.
Of course when he was here things were wonderful and full of passion and WOW our sex life was awesome. He use to always tell me he loved me, look into my eyes and say all the wonderful things that we all wish for.
Then things changed he now started telling me you know I love you and I will always love you. However I don’t have to say it all the time.
Then it got to where when he was going to leave he wouldn’t even pick up the phone and say “hey I have to go out of town to work not sure when I’ll be back” nothing, nothing at all.
Times I have made dinner and to find out he wasn’t in town after plans were made.
It just got to where my feelings didn’t seem to matter.
I have thought so many times that maybe it was because of what I said to him those few times he asked me to marry him. Was this a punishment I was going to have to endure this for as long as I loved this man?
So many deep thoughts haunt my brain as I lay there at nights trying and fighting for sleep.
So many times this man has asked me “what is it you want“? And never have I been able to really tell him what it is I truly want. You say fear yes that is part of it.
Fear that if I tell him then there will be the ultimate rejection of all. So I kept my mouth shut and just went with the flow and seen him when I could and sat alone at night when he was gone wishing and hoping for his return to come soon.
Things that we shared became very valuable to me. The cards he had gave me early in the relationship where I could read what he had wrote of the love we had and how special it was.
The boxer briefs that was his I use to wear around and still do even though they have become some what thinning. The shirts of his I use to wear that had his cologne on them. So I could smell him close to me in his absents.
His socks I use to wear to keep my feet warm because I was the one who always got cold. The heart bracelet he picked out and gave to me for a birthday.
Now that is all I have. That and the memories of his arms wrapped so tight around me. The memories of all those nights of him saying to me “we fit together as one so perfect” as we laid in each others arms getting ready for sleep. And how he use to say my breast felt so wonderful pressed up against his back before we feel to sleep.
Well recently we had a chance to see each other and to talk. Well I mostly talked because that is what I do when I get nervous talk. He told me that we are friends but however he can’t see me any more. I sat there looking at him fighting back the tears and then brining up something to change the subject so that when the first tear did fall and roll down my cheek he wouldn’t know what they were really from.
Then the question came again. “What is it you want?”
All the babbling of when the end comes for me who is going to be there for me? Who is going to hold my hand and whisper they love me as the lights slowly dims?
Just babbling along.
All I could say was…. All I want is to be happy.
Which is true but it wasn’t all that I wanted to say to him.
It’s not about just being happy, but what I want is to be with you. I want to be happy with you. I do love you with every inch of my being.
But I just couldn’t get the words to come out yet once again. So as I was leaving he put his arms around me and held me tight not too many words were spoken. I wanted to tell him I loved him but I bit my tongue instead.
All I could whisper to him was I want you to be happy.
So if you do read this the love of my life. The only piece of my heart that I had. I gave to you still remains with you. There will never be another man in this life to fill the shoes you wore.
There will never be another man that will see me for me and will laugh at my inner child that likes to jump on the bed or play in the rain.
One in a million years a flower blooms with extraordinary colors. This flower opens from the touch of love. The sweet smell fills the night air and lingers for some time.
You find that when you pass you can still smell the sweetness and you wonder if the flower still blooms how could it be.
But the flower has passed and the bloom is no longer there it’s only the sweet memory you have of it’s beauty and the memory of it’s sweet kiss.
So yes in the end I will be alone in body. No one to hold my hand. No one to kiss my lips grasping for breath. No one to tell me I love you and you were the best thing that ever came into my life.
However when it is my time to go I will think of all those wonderful years that I have loved and been loved by you. Even though there weren’t many they still were the best and most loving few years I had. You made me laugh, when others couldn‘t. You taught me to love when I thought I couldn’t. You made be believe again when there was no reason to.
Thank you my dear sweet friend. Thank you my love. I do and will always love you till that final day and then I will take that love with me. And by chance if there is another time I get to come back around I will search for you again and share it with you once more.
I love you was the words I wanted to say to you before I walked out the door.
I love you so very much and will always have you in my heart.
I wish you love and so much happiness. When you are out at night and you see that big bright beautiful full moon. Think of me and all my love is with you.
As Always You Know !
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Hey Everyone
Sorry it's been a while sine I have been on. A lot of things are going on right now and will fill everyone in on it soon.
I just wanted to stop in and say hello and let everyone know I am still breathing...lol...
And to say I hope everyone had a wonderful Valentines Day.....
Well mine was very quite no action shit well that's what happens when you have no one special there to share the holiday with...
Oh well it's just cloudy right now I guess maybe the sun will shine one day...lol...
Well I will try to get on and fill you in have to go see the doctor Monday shit that stuff they are giving me is some nasty shit......
Well hope you all have a wonderful day.....
I just wanted to stop in and say hello and let everyone know I am still breathing...lol...
And to say I hope everyone had a wonderful Valentines Day.....
Well mine was very quite no action shit well that's what happens when you have no one special there to share the holiday with...
Oh well it's just cloudy right now I guess maybe the sun will shine one day...lol...
Well I will try to get on and fill you in have to go see the doctor Monday shit that stuff they are giving me is some nasty shit......
Well hope you all have a wonderful day.....
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
The bird has sprung the coop
Ok everyone I have seen where my lovely child has gotten on here and tried to keep you all informed on my health. To that I am grateful.....
I also seen where she found some of my writings of the end of the year :0
I do get what I call a runaway brain. I do get to writing and sometime don't know when to stop.
But it's because I have so many feelings that I keep locked up inside and when it comes out I just don't know when to quit....
Let me say this....
My holidays was crap and I so hope each and every one of you had a wonderful holiday..
I want to inform you all that I have been spring-ed from that institution they call a hospital...lol...
I am affraid to drink anything for there may be some leaks and frankly I really don't feel like cleaning the mess up...lol....
Today was like my New Year...
When my doctor told me I could go home today but take it easy...... All I kept say was how much easier do you want me to go I have been laid up in a bed for what seems like for ever and I have missed so much.....
Come on get real...lol....
Well to make a long story short...imagine that one yeah right......
I caught the flu yeah well it took it's toll on me and I was down for the count.....
My lungs aren't in the greatest shape but what the hey.....
Well all I have been thinking about for the last three days is when and what am I going to do?????
Well I guess I have to keep things in a some what reasonable thing....
Ok I do have to take some treatments and there will be days when I wish that damn sun will not rise. And yeah I will make very good friends with that porcelain goddess and more than likely sleep very close to her....
But hell at least she won't snore or kick...lol....
Kidding all a side I want to give special hugs and kisses to my wonderful kids and yeah grand kids. And a very special thanks to all that does get by here and reads this bunch of mushy words I write. I know you all have a life and are busy but thanks.......
I really hope you all had a wonderful new year and as for what I am wishing for this new year? Well to spend time with the ones I love and to get started on that book that some one told me I should write along time ago.
Well I am some what tired I didn't realize just how much energy it takes to do all of this.
But I just wanted to say thanks and let you all know I am out and no I didn't run away I was released...lol....
I really think they got tired of me telling them what to do before they did it. I know the nurses was glad I am gone home because now the don't have to worry about me trying to start my own IV...lol...
First thing of busy is I am going to go to the tanner god I am a ghost.....ugh....
Second well I haven't decided that yet so we will see.
Thanks again to my daughter for writing and hey maybe you should have proofed my 2008 thing before you pasted it on here....lol.....
Happy New Year every one. To the ones I love hugs and kisses....
Next week will be a big week and hopefully things will be alright. If not well what can I say........
Thanks to my readers I hope and wish you all wonderful days to come.
XOXO to all.... I think tomorrow will be a good day I think......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
