Sorry Everyone

Hey everyone that drops in to read.... Sorry I haven't wrote in a bit but as you all know I love this time of the year with Halloween and all the parties and fun going. I have been working on my costume it seems like for ever trying to get it ready for this weekend....

Oh by the way I hope everyone has a wonderful Spooky Halloween.... I will be taking lots of pictures of everyone at the parties I will be attending and there will be lots of pictures of my creation here also. Specially the getting ready and putting the thing together...lol...

I am really excited about it and I hope you all will enjoy it.
Oh yeah went to the Halloween Horror Nights in Orlando this past Sunday a week ago.
Please !! I wasn't impressed....


Lines way too long and the wait well who wants to stand in line for almost 2 hours to go threw a 15 minute haunted house. The costumes were great as always but for some reason there was a lack of something...

Well if you haven't went save your money or go to Bush Gardens in Tampa. They have a wonderful thing going on for Halloween. Of course this is mine opinion but who doesn't want a wonderful Scream.....

Well these were some of the pictures from Halloween Horror Nights... (Oh Bloody Mary just wasn't a thrill either) sorry....

Have a Happy Halloween to you and your family stay safe and watch out for all those little Goblins running around.......

BELIEVE

Believe just what does this word mean to you? To some it is trust, faith, conviction. I could sit and maybe pull up a dozen or so words to explain what this one word means to me.

However what someone else may say could be completely different from my opinion.
And yes there are versions and sub versions of this word that we use to express our selves on how we think and even feel. And I guess the meaning in the word dictionary is just a basic start.

And more or less there meaning is that this word is based of the ability to accept as true, genuine, or real. To have a firm conviction as to the goodness, efficacy or ability of something. And yes to hold an opinion. To see with one’s eyes, to hear with one’s own ears.
What about this to consider to be true and honest. And what about the ability to feel what you believe deep down inside. The gut feeling well maybe.

I myself really don’t think there is just one meaning to this simple word that in fact some have lost what the meaning is to them.

Believe is a small word that we really don’t think about in this day and time. Because maybe we just take things for granted?? There could be all sorts of excuses for why we don’t recognize this small word or even explore this small word in our lives.

Most people don’t stop and look at what the meaning of this word means until they have lost something or they are losing them selves to maybe death??
Oh yeah the big "D" word. Death to some is and ending and if it is true then well you can Believe in that. But if it is not the ending then what???

And what happens when believing in something is no longer there or the fear to believe is higher than the simple fact of believing in someone or something???

I have no answers for these questions or in fact I have no answer for about anything these days.

I guess I can say this, I have believed in something my whole life. But most of it could be described as may being an illusion. I always seemed to take the worse things and try to see something good out of it. You know the little thing about "there is always a new day." "Maybe tomorrow will bring that silver lined cloud," and so many more that could be quoted on and on.

But in fact there is no silver lining cloud, no knight in shinning armor, no prince charming, no pot of gold at the rainbow. The truth is this world that we live in is based on the cold hard fact of this.
It’s the larger aggressive ones that get to the top. The ones that care for the feelings or needs of the others are just simply there. I guess it’s like the animal world is you have the kings of the jungle and then you have the prey they consume.

Funny way to look at things or maybe it’s just funny how I look at things. Like all our life growing up we have certain things that were taught to us. The fairy tale belief for one. Well that is how I colorize it.

We are taught that there is a thing such as a Happy Ending, Happy Ever After.
And what about prince charming and knights in shinning armor??
All of these we are lead to believe will happen some where down the line when we were children.

Not so true…

There are no happy ever after endings. And in fact the picture of that we set out there to make others believe is wrong.
The true fairy tales from way back was horror stories to control the young.
And for some reason they were changed to the happy version and it is these that get caught in the back of our minds and linger there.

Everything is by chance.

The only thing I do believe in is that the sun will rise in the morning and it will set in the evening. Other than that there is nothing.

When someone dies the world moves on. It doesn’t stop to pay it’s respect. The sun still comes up. The wind still blows and the grass and the tress still remain green. The sun still sets and the moon will rise even if you don't see it.
Life goes on.

We feel the pain, but in time even that surrenders to life and fades away. Sometimes leaving us with not even a memory unless we see or hear something to bring it back. But even then it’s not as strong as it was in the beginning.

I have found that people that know that death is close they tend to believe in things they never would have before when they were in the full life. They search for a possible escape to give them comfort.
What ever, does this belief save them??

Who’s to say.
Who can judge??

I know that things I believed in as a child changed as I grew older. Maybe because my eyes were opened or maybe because my mind expanded. Never the case they did. And as I grow older they will still changed.

The people I once believed in has some what changed also over the years. The faith I put into them have some what faded. Well we are all only human. And no one is perfect no matter what they say or do or think of them seleves.

We make promises of forever and others that can’t be fulfilled. But at the time it just sounded good. So we come up with an excuse of “Promises are made to be broken.”
So why make them at all. It seems easy to say these things but if fact it is very hard to hold them as truth.

The only thing that can be said is “ Nothing last forever.” Because this is the only true thing that is out there that never stops. And that in fact is what you can believe.

There are no short cuts, no magic, no wishes that can make this go away.
Not even love last forever. So why do we say “I’ll love you for ever?”
"Or you will always be with me?"

This is not something that can even be believed in. For the simple fact that people can’t love forever. Or should I say be in love for ever. Nor can they say they will always remember you. It's impossible.

We meet someone and they become our friend. Then one day you find that the friendship is gone. And it’s just a routine followed.
The same in a relationship with someone. You think and feel and yes even believe you are in love. Till one day you find that they have moved on in their life and in what they think is love.

Sometimes we use the word love as a comfort thing. Most use it to obtain something they are missing or even lacking in their own lives. However the case the word is used far way to much for personal gain of some sort. And the belief in it was not there and will never be there.

I can ask you what do you believe in?? And you would more than likely fill a page of what you think you truly believe. But then some where down the road in time I can ask you the same question and you would write something totally different.

It’s like changing into a different color shirt.

What I believe in is not as important to me as what I don’t believe in I guess.
I don’t believe in using someone for gain. The word gain to mean - The gain of personal benefit being it wealth or gain of some ones worth inside.
I don’t believe you should hurt some one to make your self feel better.
I don’t believe you should say things and promise things because you have no control of the future and because once it is out in the air there is no taking it back.
And face it words are forever. They may seem to fade but they don’t. They stay locked in the mind until the mind finally stops.

And the things I do believe in you may ask..

Well if there was something for me to believe in it would be this.
I believe in pain, because that is what I have had to live with all my life. Either pain of the body or pain that has been delivered from some one.

I had a friend and this may be the only true friend I do have I would think at this time at least. This friend knows me from what I should say inside and out. My hopes, my dreams and yes even my fears.
This friend asked me one day why I inflicted pain on my self as I do with my tattoos and other things I have tried and will more than likely try in the future??
The only response I could give that would make sense was this. “ I do these things because for some reason the pain I do to my self seems to not hurt as bad as the pain others do to me.”

In other words when someone hurts me I usually go and have something done as a tattoo or something to put this pain that is hurting me with the pain that was done to me. So when the pain of what ever is being done is gone the pain that someone has put on me eases and fades. It doesn’t go away it just eases some. So I guess what I do to my self as for pain doesn’t seem to hurt as much as what others do to me.

I think in some way we all search for something to release the enter pain. Some just not as drastic as me. But when I get hurt it is a deep hurt.
Because I believe in that person and I have faith in that person. And yes I trust that person.

To some respect I believe in fate.
What is going to happen will. There are no chance meetings with anyone. There is a reason for you coming in contact with that person. For what reason it is you may not know until years down the road when you are sitting there and it hits you between the eyes. Then you have an epiphany and realize that was what you were there for either to learn something or help some one else learn.

I believe in death. But I don’t believe in death as some do. I believe in death as a release from all that hurts you here. After that well I guess we all will see what is there when it happens. And what I may or may not think is irrelevant.
All I know at this time and point is everything stops.

I believe there will always be someone out there willing to hurt and use me for everything they are worth. This is because I am a kind soul. I am a giving person. I am a nurturing person. If you hurt I will be there to try and make it better.

As much as I try to hold back my faith in the human race I still find my self getting sucked into shit…. However one day that will change..

I do know that with in the past few years I have learned to pull some what off from the norm I use to be. The wall I put up years ago was not as strong as it will be now. The cracks that were in view will be closed and it will with stand this time. And you may ask why I know this is a fact.

Simple:

Because I don’t believe any more!! In the humans that walk this earth..

Remember when I said it’s like the animal kingdom? You have the kings of the jungle that devour and consume the prey. Well I have finally realized that I am the prey in this life time. That in this life all that was meant for me was to learn what pain and disappointment was. And when one thing didn’t work then another was pushed on me. But this will change also..

Funny thing about pain. Pain to the body as in accidents or illness or even self done.
Doesn’t hurt as much as the pain someone gives to you when you believe in them and then they decide that you are nothing but a past time or something that has been sent to them to comfort them in there time of need. And once the need is gone then the reason for you is gone also. Do I need I say any more?
So is there really a reason to believe???

(The following quotes is from Dashboard Confessional)



Dusk and Summer

She smiled in a big way;
The way a girl like that smiles,
When the world is hers.
And she held your eyes,
Out in the breezeway, down by the shore,
In the lazy summer.
And she pulled you in.
And she bit your lip.
And she made you hers.
She looked deep into you as you lay together,
Quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer.
But you've already lost.
But you've already lost.
But you've already lost.
When you only had barely enough to hang on.
And she combed your hair.
And she kissed your teeth.
And she made you better than you’d been before.
And she told you bad things you wished you could change,
In the lazy summer.
And she told you, laughing down to her core,
So she would not cry,
As she lay in your lap.
And she said, "Nobody here can live forever;
Quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer."
But you've already lost.
But you've already lost.
But you've already lost.
When you only had barely enough to hang on.
She said "No one is alone the way you are alone."
And you held her looser than you would’ve if you ever could've known.
Some things tie your life together,
With slender threads and things to treasure.
Days like that should last and last and last.
But you've already lost.
But you've already lost.
But you've already lost.
When you only had barely enough of her to hang on.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Hang on




Again I Go Unnoticed

So quiet.
Another wasted night.
The television steals the conversation.
Exhale.
Another wasted breath;
Again it goes unnoticed.
Please tell me you're just feeling tired,
'Cause if it's more than that I fear that I might break.
Out of touch. Out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed,
'Cause I can't read your rolling eyes.
Out of touch. Are we out of time?
Close lipped;
Another goodnight kiss,
Is robbed of all its passion.
Your grip;
Another time is slack,
It leaves me feeling empty.
Please tell me you're just feeling tired,
'Cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break.
Out of touch. Out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed,
'Cause I can't read your rolling eyes.
Out of touch. Are we out of time?
I'll wait until tomorrow,
Maybe you'll feel better then...
Maybe we'll be better then.
So what's another day,
When I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you?
This mood of yours is temporary.
It seems worth the wait to see you smile again.
Out of the corner of my eye,
Won't be the only way you're looking at me then.
So quiet.
Another wasted night.
The television steals the conversation.
Exhale.
Another wasted breath;
Again it goes unnoticed.
Am I Missing
Sharp disaster in a fresh new coma
Was it worth it when it was over
Proving yourself right
You'd make the biggest noise
I'd lock my hands behind my head
I'd cover my heart and hit the deck
I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you
(It's a long wait) Is there anything
(For an answer) Worth looking for
(Is there any news) Worth loving for
(Is there any word) Worth lieing for
(Was there trauma) Is there anything
(Or a struggle) Worth waiting for
(Am I missing) Worth living for
(Or was the body found) Worth dying for
Home, I'm home



Reason To Believe

Oh, sweet lungs don't fail me now.
Your burning has turned into fear;
Drills me in my every step.
I'm moving quick, but you're always on my heels.
Just one more breath, I beg you please.
Just one more step, my knees are weak.
My heart is sturdy, but it needs you to survive.
My heart is sturdy, but it needs you.
Breathe, don't you want to breathe?
I know that you are strong enough to handle what I need.
My capillaries scream; there's nothing left to feed on.
My body needs a reason to cross that line.
Will you carry me there one more time?
Steady lungs, don't fail me now.
I feel you bursting, but you won't let me die.
Fill me up with every step.
I'm feeling sick, but I'm leaving it behind.
Just one long breath, I beg you please.
Just one more step, you are not weak.
My legs are sturdy, but they need you to survive.
My heart is sturdy, but I need you.
Breathe, don't you want to breathe,
And know that you are strong enough to handle what I need?
My capillaries scream; there's nothing left to feed on.
My body needs a reason to cross that line.
Will you carry me there once more?
Once more.
I have reason to believe that I have victories to taste.
I can feel them on my teeth, upon my lips, and in my chest.
I can roll them on my tongue, they are more supple than defeat.
I feel the tension in my lungs and every move is filled by my resolve to,
Breathe, don't you want to breathe?
I know that you are strong enough to handle what I need.
My capillaries scream; there's nothing left to feed on.
My body needs a reason to cross that line.
Will you carry me there one more time?

Just doing some deep thing is all

I guess this one is out of deep thought. And yes I think way too deep sometimes than I should. I wish at times I could just turn my brain off just so I could get some peace. But it doesn’t work that way right.

I have a question for you? When you argue with your brain on any question does this make you insane? How many people drive down the road and find your self asking a question out loud when it is just you in the car?? More than that how many people actually answer that question??

When I have things going on in my life that I just can’t bring my self to ask someone else I drive. And yes I do talk to my self. I do this maybe because I don’t want to bother someone else or maybe I am searching for an answer from deep within my self.

But when the brains answer is not what the heart wants to hear what do you do then??
Do you rule out the brain or do you rule out the heart?? The brain remembers everything and the heart feels everything. They should work together not against each other at least this is how it should be right??

So which one is right?? Is there a right and a wrong in this duel?? I’m not sure and this is the dilemma I have had for some time…

My heart tell me one thing but my brain says another. My brain says that it doesn’t matter and in fact you may not matter and that your just a so called sanctuary or a stop for the time being. But the heart says no there is feelings there and it is a true feeling.

But when the actions don’t go with the feelings like they use to do what then????
Do you then believe the brain?? I guess I am empath maybe more than what I like too be. I know I have no ability to give less than all of me when I am in a relationship be it romantic or friendship. I give it all to the point to where when it is done I feel the loss and empty more than the other involved . I feel deeply tired and even sometimes hopeless.

Is there a time when the heart becomes numb to where it doesn’t feel any more?? And just how many people say “I wish my heart would numb so I don’t keep feeling the same pain over and over again” and really mean it?? Because if it does go numb then there is no feeling for anything.

Through my life experiences I have said this many times. I have wished time after time that the brick wall I put up would with-stand the push from the other side. And time after time I allow that force from the other side to sip threw a hole and come thru to the side where I stand vulnerable and naked. Something like a small child lost in the dark woods where there are wild animals that are out there to kill and feed.

And time after time I accept this force as something good to only find out later that I was just a stopping point for this force and that my feelings and wants did not mean as much as I thought they should. And just maybe I didn’t matter.
And yes I have no one to blame but my self for allowing this in the first place. This is what the all mighty brain says. It’s your fault you knew this could happen and you allowed it.

How do you have a relationship with others without putting feelings behind it?? Many people do this and really when it comes to the straight up skinny they look back and find that the feelings they thought they had for the other were out of need for something they were missing in the life. Kind of like a fill in..

Life doesn’t come with a hand book to tell us how to react with others. We simply rely on what we have been taught of what is right and what is wrong.

However if this wasn’t taught does this make an acceptation for the one that goes in and hurts the other??? And what about those that just don’t care??
And really are there any real true answers??

Treat others as you would want to be treated…. Not fuck them before they fuck you…. This is what our world has turned into.
No compassion, no empathy, no thought, just nothing but the want at the time….
Sometimes the smallest gesture in kindness can move a mountain. But then sometimes a gesture with self motivation can tear and rip apart a life….

And for the one that there is only hurt time after time and false trust time after time when is enough actually enough???
And what then? Who pays when this rare breed of person that has the ability to have compassion and empathy, and all of the best qualities of a human being comes to this point in life that nothing really matters any more?? And no matter how hard they try to keep there head above the tides and hope and believe the next day will be different. Someone will really care.

Is this in fact a fairytale belief now to wish and believe in something that should be so easy??? To wish and believe in something good to believe in another human….
Easy for so few and to the rest?? Do they feel something missing?? Do they feel the pain they cause the other?? Or are they in their own world were no matter what is done or cause they just don’t care??

I don’t want to believe that there are actual human beings out there that don’t give a shit and that their own self is more important than some ones feelings.
Am I being Neiva to this new age world where it is the “all bout me thing“??
If you have a so called best friend and you know they are hurting inside. Do you stand there while they slice their wrist because they are tired of being in a world of so much pain and disappointment??
Or do you really believe that there is a reason deep inside to stop them??? Or do you just simply turn your back and walk away because it doesn’t fit into what you want??

Have we actually become a society of emotional vampires preying on the weak??
And what about the weak?? Are they only put here for just one reason and that is to be devoured by the strong??

When is enough really enough??

Albert J Bernstein says that an emotional Vampire is one who seek to destroy the emotional and psychological well-being of others. That their needs are more important than others and the rules don’t apply.

Have you ever entered into something knowing that in the end someone was going to be hurt?? And knowing this you still proceeded… Did it really matter to you if they were hurt just as long as they didn’t do anything to interfere with you and what you wanted?

I hope this world has not turned into a world of walking, talking, breathing monsters…

Because if this is so then what is there left… When you look into the mirror what do you see in the reflection looking back at you??? Are you happy with what you see??? Are you happy with what you have done up till now in your life??
We all search in life for something. No matter what it is we search. But most of the time we search out happiness. Someone that makes you laugh and laughs with you. Someone to love and love you back as much as you.

How come something so simple is so hard?? Trial and error this is how life is. You either swim or you drown.

I recall many years ago when I worked in the medical field. I remember this one time that really sticks into my head still today for what reason I will soon unveil. I was working and they brought this young person into the trauma area. Overdose! As I stood there looking at this young person I remember stating such a young life what could really be that bad to waste it….

Well the thought of suicide back then was something so wrong you just didn’t do it… There was nothing so bad to take your life. Again tomorrow is another day to try again….

Well I didn’t realize that all those so called phrases I spit from my mouth was nothing but not understanding… Judging on something that at the time was out of my league.

Nothing like walking in some ones shoes can you honestly start to see what it feels like. And yes I walked in a pair of shoes.

And yes I tried suicide. Am I a shamed of it I can’t say I am… I do have a new thought of someone that wants this…

Would I try and stop someone from doing this?? The answer is yes I would still try and stop them from taking their life… It’s my nature to help and to save and to fix…. No matter the cost to me…
The only thing is I can now say I truly understand because I have walked in those shoes.
Would I ever do it ever again???

This I can say honesty I really don’t know…

Until that edge is there where it’s jump or just fall no one knows….
Would I do something to hurt some one on purpose the answer to that is NO!!!
The ability of taking from someone with out a second thought doesn’t even cross my mind.

Does this make me a better person because I have the ability to care about some ones feeling over mine? No…… Does this give the right to others to not care for my feelings??? No, but I have no control over what others do.

All this does is make me human. A person that gives without saying I want something in return. It makes me a person that fights with my brain and my heart on what to say or if I should say anything at all. It makes me a person that somewhere inside that has a fear. A fear of if I ask the answer may hurt worse than if I don’t even ask to start with.

What does this make me??? Simple…. Just a person that thinks to much. Just a person that feels too much…. Just a person that cares to much…

Just a human with feelings that gets hurt by people that don’t simply think that I do have feelings….

The next best thing to a thinker is someone that is brain dead to what goes on around them. A person that nothing really matters but what they think is right. Yeah the all about me thing…….

Words are just words…. However if I have said anything in this mere writings of my thought and feels that has offended any one please accept my deepest apologies…..
I say things from the heart sometimes and of course the brain says it’s all stupid. You should put your self out there to be chewed up…lol…